


En Garde

by leavethesky



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Divergent, F/F, Happy Ending, I promise, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26982160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leavethesky/pseuds/leavethesky
Summary: Lena's therapist recommends she do something for herself that is not related to work in any way. Something just for Lena. So Lena returns to one of the things she loved and was forced by Lillian to give up: fencing. She does it under a pseudonym with an unknown fencing club in a run-down YWCA. She's finally happy again. Of course it can't last.If you're not familiar with fencing, this is an absolutely incredible Olympic epée bout. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vBanAuMltA&t=298s
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 41
Kudos: 377





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still working on Anti-Luthor, this just wouldn't stop.

It was her therapist who recommended it. Not directly, but she had “strongly encouraged” Lena to do something solely for herself. And it started out that way, but things had a way of expanding exponentially whenever Lena cared about them or sometimes it only required her involvement. But she did care about this and everything spinning off of it even though it had definitely gotten away from her. She’d decided to start fencing again. Selfishly. Because what could fencing accomplish? (she heard Lillian’s voice telling her she needed to drop out of the Olympics and focus on the important things: her degree, her “work” for Luthor Corp and the Luthor family, being the perfect Luther daughter, the perfect future wife). Fencing took precious time away from work, which was the one of the reasons Lena chose to return to it. It was supposed to be purely recreational and fun. A way to immerse herself in something physical after long days sitting in meetings, at a desk, or in the lab. Which was another thing she’d done for herself: return to her beloved research in the lab, but that meant more hours on top of her current work and too much of her research was productive and profitable. The fencing was strictly for fun. And it was.

Until she started to win and just didn’t stop. It was her coach’s fault. She’d joined the amateur fencing club under a pseudonym (her birth name, Helena Kieran) although she suspected Coach had known from the beginning exactly who she was. But she treated Lena like any other fencer. No special treatment, the same grinding drills that left her so sore in the beginning she could barely walk. Lena made sure her equipment was solid and workable, but not flashily expensive. No thousand-dollar epées no matter how much she craved them. Besides, it was more fun to design and build her own, which she’d begun to do after two weeks. She designed a cooler mask, a cooler, more puncture-resistant vest (that were actually bullet-proof just in case), and foils, sabers, and epées with better balance. 

So that’s how she found herself in a sweltering fencer’s mask (cooler since she redesigned it, but still) a stiff vest in a water-stained, decrepit YWCA gym on the “wrong side” of National City two nights a week, which quickly became 4 nights a week when Coach discovered she had a ringer on her hands. And four nights a week became probably Saturday and maybe Sunday volunteering at the brand-new Fencing Center Lena opened with Coach as a sort of satellite community center and clinic for the Children’s Hospital where Coach became Dr. Anji, Chief of Pediatric Oncology during business hours. So, they both had secret identities. 

It was Coach who decided Lena needed more challenging workouts than those provided by the other fencers in the club. The only fencer who came close to beating her was Coach, a former silver medalist for the Egyptian Olympic team, but she complained that her arthritis was acting up and Lena needed to find someone else to lose to. Except that she didn’t. Lose. 

It was the Betrayal as Lena found herself referring to it, that made her finally give in and allow Coach to sign her up for Nationals after a few local bouts to qualify, thinking she’d win a few bouts and finally lose so she could fly home to the enormous inbox and reams of paperwork that would inevitably pile up over the weekend while she was away. Maybe it was her fury and grief that drove her, but she didn’t lose. She demolished everyone including a former Olympic medalist and found herself winning Nationals in epée. She let Coach accept the trophy on her behalf and flew directly home. 

She’d planned to finally tell Kara and at the very least Brainy about the fencing, but she’d put it off until it was too late. Now she had no friends, an entirely new topic to discuss at length with her therapist (although it was tricky discussing something she literally was not allowed to discuss), and a fury and pain so deep she could only console it by absolutely and thoroughly destroying anyone in her path. In fencing. She even had a nickname: The Slayer. Six months after the Betrayal she was asked to try out for the Olympic team and also invented an entirely new drug delivery system that would revolutionize pharmacology. But really, it was the fencing that was saving her life and her self. Lena knew it couldn’t last. Nothing good ever did despite her therapist’s assurances. Someone was going to uncover her secret identity and then it would all be over. No one wanted a champion named Luthor. She knew she should stop before that happened, but she couldn’t seem to do it. It was the only thing she had that was her own. That didn’t lie to her. And Coach wouldn’t let her anyway. The two times she’d tried to use work as an excuse to stay away, Coach had called her on her cell phone to guilt her into coming. Which was exactly why she’d shown up tonight. 

When she arrived at the YWCA late thanks to a last-minute emergency meeting with a company she was trying to acquire in Indonesia, there was definitely a new tension in the air that was different from the usual relaxed readiness. She scanned the group still warming up for some clue to the strange atmosphere, hoping it wasn’t a worst-case scenario and she needed to prepare for another assassination attempt. Taking the temperature of different environments was natural for Lena who had always been hunted, so she noted the strangeness, noted the stranger standing in full gear, professional helmet in the crook of her arm, with Coach. They both looked up when Lena walked in and Coach smiled. She said something to the unknown but familiar woman and she smiled as well and Lena knew who she was: Olympic bronze medalist, Emma Chan. Coach had mentioned they were trying to recruit her as a kind of “fellow” at the Fencing Club and Lena had written another million into the budget the next day, cutting a check from her personal account. 

Lena nodded and moved to one of the empty benches to change into her fencing shoes and prep her gear. Chan was a specialist in epée, which was becoming Lena’s specialty as well. She competed in both epée and saber, which Coach chastised her for at every practice, but Lena was doing this for love, and she loved both. But epée fit her style: constant quick attacks, even in defense. And it felt more natural, more real, that the entire body was a target. She loved saber for similar reasons: the entire blade was a weapon, not just the tip. But today, epée. So, Lena pulled out her epée, a personal design and build. It was a special occasion and Lena had a terrible feeling it might be the last time she got to use it. 

Lena was late enough to miss drills so she began warming up, knowing she would hear about the drills she would have to make up from Coach. As soon as she finished her warm-up, Coach called her name and Lena closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before winding her way through the fencers competing in different areas of the gym. Or sort of competing. Everyone had their eyes on Chan and now Lena. She noted as she approached, that Coach had chosen the electronic scoring system Lena had redesigned for their practice bout. Lena had grown tired of the bulky electronics and redesigned it to work with any equipment with barely any added weight. But Chan wasn’t here for her scoring system. Chan smiled and Lena understood with a sudden thrill that she would be dueling one of her heroes.

Lena had a moment of absolute panic then forced herself to take deep breaths. She was here to have fun. She was here in this moldy YWCA to have fun doing something she loved, and Chan was one of the best in the world. It was a privilege and a dream come true. 

Coach introduced them and Lena extended her hand. “It’s an honor, Ms. Chan.” 

Emma Chan smiled a slow smile and shook Lena’s hand, holding onto it a little too long. “Emma, please. So, you’re the infamous Slayer,” Emma said with a chuckle.

“Please call me Lena,” Lena said in a rare slip-up that had Coach raising her eyebrows in surprise. Emma didn’t seem to notice or maybe she already knew. Dark contact lenses, no makeup, and temporary purple streaks in her hair was hardly a disguise, but if you weren’t looking for it, it was at least as good as the ponytail and glasses that had managed to fool Lena for years. Lena’s smile faltered at the thought, but Coach was already ushering them into position and Emma was donning her helmet. 

Lena took a deep breath and close her eyes to center herself as she took position behind the line and waited for Coach’s en garde trying to remember everything she could about Chan’s technique. Chan was, like her, fiercely aggressive. A “bouncer” as Lena liked to call the fencers who tended to bounce on their toes in readiness and also as a way of distracting and psyching out opponents. Lena wasn’t a bouncer. Bouncers were left flat-footed at the end of a bounce and it was easier to knock them off balance with an attack during that split-second. 

As soon as the signal left Coach’s mouth, Chan was on her just as Lena expected. Lena backed up as she furiously deflected blows all while cataloging the weaknesses in Chan’s attack. Coach had been needling her for months about her defense because Lena, when given the choice, always went on the attack. This was, she supposed, Coach’s way of showing rather than telling Lena how important it was to use defense strategically. All of this of course, happened in the ten seconds before the signal beeped that Chan had landed a blow and won the round. Lena nodded her head in acknowledgement of Chan’s skill and returned to the line. Chan was the best she’d ever faced including Coach and it was thrilling to fence at this level. There was no distance between thought and action, no time to think about strategy then come up with a plan to implement. Body and mind acted as one at blinding speeds. 

God, I missed this! Lena thought as Coach gave the signal and Chan exploded at her again. Lena backed up steadily, deflecting Chan’s precision strikes and returning a few of her own causing Chan to slow down her attack. Until she exploded again and landed a point to Lena’s grip hand. 

Lena nodded again at Chan and smiled beneath her helmet, setting up carefully behind her line. When Coach gave the signal, it was Lena who exploded off the line, driving Chan back and finally landing a point on her thigh, shouting in joy when she heard the beep. 

Coach called a break and Lena took off her helmet, gulping in the relatively cool air of the gym. Emma removed her helmet, her sleek ponytail now a flyaway mess just like Lena’s. She nodded with a slow smile at Lena and murmured, “Nicely done.” 

Her smile, Lena noticed, was a slow burn of interest beyond fencing and Lena blushed. It had been a hot minute. No one looked at Lena Luthor like that anymore. Of course, she wasn’t Lena Luthor here. When she looked up, the rest of the club, the rest of the gym, was watching them, and Lena blinked in surprise. Even her bodyguard, who had been discreetly running on the track that circled above, had stopped with another runner to watch. 

“Shit,” she muttered, and Emma laughed.

“You get used to it,” she said, and Lena smiled. There was no way Lena could explain that she was used to being watched, but this kind of attention was dangerous when you were keeping a secret like hers. And it wasn’t that her secret was dangerous, it was just that she wanted to keep this joy a little while longer. 

After Coach had given her direction on her positioning and grip, Lena and Emma returned to their lines, everyone in the club now sitting on the floor or the few benches to watch them. This time when Coach gave the signal, they both exploded into the attack then backed off to spend most of the time testing each other until Chan leapt into an impossible lunge and scored a point. Lena laughed and nodded her respect to Chan for the brilliant move and returned to the line. Lena resolved to practice that move or a variation of it later. It was brilliant.

It went back and forth with the two fencers, Lena joyously attacking and deflecting, her thighs burning with the effort, the constant lunges and retreats. 

Chan was ahead by two points, but it didn’t matter. For once, Lena’s legendary, often debilitating competitiveness was dormant. She was just having fun. And maybe she wanted to win a more than a little, but she was facing one of the best fencers in the world. It was a privilege just to have the opportunity, just to be trading strikes and parrying blows from someone this mind-numbingly fast, this astonishingly good. And Lena was holding her own.

Chan was still a point ahead when they took another break and Lena tried to calm her breathing as she sipped water and waited for Coach to signal a restart. Chan sat heavily down beside her.

“So, I hear we’re supposed to meet up to discuss this fellowship at the Fencing Club tomorrow. I thought maybe we could do it over drinks?” Emma said and took a sip of water, watching Lena over the bottle. Lena smiled a slow smile. This was familiar ground. And Emma was gorgeous and interested. 

“I think that could be arranged,” Lena said, and Emma blinked as if she was surprised by the answer. 

“Really? Oh, awesome! I mean great,” she said, stammering a little and Lena found herself even more interested in the date at the hint of awkwardness. 

“Last round, fencers,” Coach said, and Lena tried not to groan as she got to her feet. She was going to pay for this tomorrow. She’d be lucky to get in and out of her desk chair without a crane. She definitely wasn’t wearing heels to the office. 

This time at Coach’s signal they both exploded into an attack that ended up in a bone-jarring collision. Lena hit the hardwood with a loud thump, thankful for the helmet, but knowing her hip was going to be a giant bruise tomorrow. Emma had landed on top of her and was struggling to take her weight off Lena as Coach tried to disentangle them. It was all so ridiculous that Lena started laughing. Emma ripped her helmet off and tried to help Lena up, but Lena was laughing too hard.

“Shit! Are you okay?” Emma asked and offered her a hand, which Lena accepted, tearing her helmet off with the other hand, still laughing. “I guess you’re okay then,” Emma said with a smile.

“Damn, Kieran. You really can take a hit can’t you?” Coach said and Lena turned to respond but her entire body froze. 

One of the things Lena loved about fencing was the way in which her body reacted before thought. She’d read once that the body typically acted eight seconds before the mind caught up, so what we thought of as our own actions that we willed into being was really incorrect. The body acted and the mind caught up and rationalized the bodies actions. In fencing, this was obvious. You trained so that the body acted without thought, responded to sensory information in the most advantageous way before you could consciously think about what was happening. Thanks to fencing, Lena was beginning to understand the language of the body in a new way, the way her body knew things before her brain knew them and formed full thoughts. Like now. Her body knew before she did.

Kara.

“Lena! Are you okay?” 

Kara was standing near the entrance, her mouth open, a notepad and pen in her hand. She was here. She’d found her out. Lena’s ruse was blown. 

Lena turned and walked directly to the exit knowing her bodyguard would follow, hoping no one else would. She thought briefly about her fencing bag and the phone that was in it but decided she didn’t care. Tapping her custom-made and programmed watch with the signal for her driver, Lena pushed open the heavy metal door to the back parking lot and started walking. She realized after a few meters that she still had her epée in her white-knuckle grip, but not her helmet. It didn’t matter. They could keep the helmet. And everything else. She checked her watch. The car was two minutes away. She kept walking. The car would find her, or it wouldn’t.

“Lena!” 

She wanted to keep walking or start running, but this was one person she would never be able to outrun. 

“What do you want?” Lena couldn’t say her name. She couldn’t. It would break her. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”

She knew she needed to keep calm until her driver got there and she could escape but found she couldn’t. “I couldn’t have one thing for myself. You had to take this from me too,” Lena said, her back still turned, and found that, to her horror, she was crying. At least she hadn’t turned around so Kara could see. She hastily wiped away the tears and checked her watch. 

“No. I didn’t…it was assigned. This story. I didn’t know you were the mystery fencer; I would never have —“ Kara was practically shouting, but Lena interrupted.

“It doesn’t matter,” Lena said calmly, her shoulders squaring as her car came into view. “I quit.”

Kara gasped behind her. “But you’re amazing, Lena! You can’t quit!”

Lena turned on her, furious. “You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore!” And stopped. Her bodyguard was approaching, along with a very concerned Coach. She wondered what Emma Chan was doing. That was all over too before it even began. “It’s over. The fencing,” she said quietly. “You of all people know my name will make it impossible. ” 

“No, it won’t, I’ll—“

“Stop, Kara. Just…please leave me alone. Please,” she said and walked to the car where her bodyguard moved quickly past her to hold the door open. Lena slid into the dark interior and steeled herself. 

“Tasha, could you take me back to the office please,” Lena said as both front car doors closed, letting her know her bodyguard and driver were safely inside. The car smoothly slid away from Coach and Kara and the only joy she’d found since she’d lost her best friend, her friends. Since she’d lost everything. Again.


	2. Chapter 2

Lena knew it was hopeless thinking she could beg out of the meeting with Emma Chan at the Fencing Center, but she tried anyway. Her new assistant wasn’t as crafty as Jess or as stubborn. Jess, Lena knew, would have made it impossible for Coach to slip through to guilt Lena into coming, which was why Jess was now a VP in Operations. Because there was no one Lena trusted more in the department that literally kept L Corp running than the woman who had worked eighty hours a week to keep Lena's life running. Lena considered calling her for help then realized how ridiculous she was being. It wasn’t even the guilt, really. It was Coach’s threat to bring in the big guns: the “heart eyes twins” as they’d taken to calling them. 

Two young women, “at-risk teens” as the counselors described them, who had joined the fencing club at the YWCA as a joke to placate counselors and social workers and found they were quite good and actually enjoyed it. And they’d inexplicably taken to Lena or Helena as they knew her. Or Shorty as they’d taken to calling her. Lena pointed out numerous times that Myriam was shorter than she was, but that just got an eyeroll and a pointed stare at Tanesha who was six feet tall with a truly enviable reach that gave her a ridiculous advantage in foil and Lena was helping her move into epée where she would be absolutely devastating. They were both technically homeless, kicked out of their homes for similar reasons: Myriam was a lesbian and Tanesha was trans and pansexual. They were the main reason Lena had written a new budget for L-Corp’s philanthropic giving that included not just a new YWCA with sustainable architecture and community gardens, a state-of-the-art computer center with expert teachers for coding classes, but also apartments for homeless LGBTQIA teens and young adults. To say she had a serious soft spot for the two teens who teased her relentlessly was an understatement (two teens she knew she would never have met as Lena Luthor, CEO and billionaire). And Coach knew it. Lena had also made sure they both had housing and entry-level jobs with L-Corp subsidiaries. She tried not to check in on their managers every day, but it was difficult. 

Lena sighed and texted Coach that she’d be there, probably a little late. Which was normal. She didn’t text the twins because she knew that would lead to her involvement in a text run that could consume an hour at minimum. They were worse than Kara and Lena loved them for it. 

“Ms. Luthor, I’m very sorry but Cat Grant is here and –” 

Another deep sigh and Lena interrupted her poor assistant. Lena was terrified of Cat Grant even though Lena was the CEO of a company that could acquire CatCo (again) without even feeling it. _Parry, riposte,_ she reminded herself with a small smile. _Parry, riposte._

Cat Grant swept into her office and Lena rose from her seat to great her with a cheek kiss. 

“Welcome back, Ms. Grant. I heard a rumor that you were back at CatCo striking fear into the hearts of National City politicians and CatCo interns.”

“I’ve told you to call me Cat, Lena,” Cat said with her usual flirtatiousness and walked past to take a seat on the leather couch, making herself comfortable. “Now. Why don’t you explain to me why my Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter just quit over an article featuring you. A very flattering article, I might add. Too flattering.” 

“I’m not going to discuss this with you, Cat.”

“I assigned that article,” Cat said. “And quite frankly, it’s a good piece. You’re doing incredible work, Lena, and people should know about it.” Lena sighed. Why did she continue to have to explain the obvious to people who should know better. Probably did know better. Which made this just torture for torture's sake on Cat Grant's part.

“You know as well as I do that as soon as I am connected to these projects they will be politicized. Certain officials will make it more difficult for these projects to get completed, for people to get housing and the basics they need to survive. Out of spite or pettiness or simply some self-righteous belief that anything a Luthor does is evil or that no one who’s LGBT or an alien deserves anything good.”

Cat just stared at her as if she was a child, which infuriated Lena. It took all of her training, all of her lessons in etiquette, all the Luthor cruelty that had ensured she could address any situation with the same polite mask of indifference, to keep her feelings in check. Cat, when she spoke, kept her tone and cadence low and deliberate. “I think you’re overestimating your own questionable reputation and seriously underestimating my ability to spin a story. Especially one like this that can only bring about more good for National City.”

Lena offered Cat a drink and poured herself a scotch as well before taking a seat in her favorite chair. 

_parry, riposte_

“It doesn’t matter.” Lena said. "I’m currently in the process of putting the entire project under the control and management of a trusted executive and subsidiary of L Corp. There’s no story to tell.” Lena took a sip of scotch loving the burn of it as Cat’s jaw locked with frustration. Good. 

“Does your PR department know you’re throwing away a fantastic opportunity to improve your image here?”

“My PR department works for me. They do what I tell them to do,” Lena said and Cat nodded in agreement. “And I won’t use these people to prop up my tainted image. They deserve better.”

Cat shook her head and closed her eyes. “You’re as ridiculous as Kara,” Cat said and drank the last of her scotch. 

Lena clenched her jaw and took another sip of scotch to keep herself from lashing out at the mere mention of Kara in her office. She really needed to make an emergency appointment with her therapist. Except that made her feel like a failure, which her therapist would say was another red flag that she needed to see her.

“Have you even read the article?” Cat asked softly. When Lena simply shook her head, Cat sighed. “I know Kara sent you and everyone she knows at L Corp and the Fencing Center a copy. Even though it breaks her NDA.”

“I’m not interested,” Lena said and rose to refill their glasses. 

“Before I went away you two were inseparable and now she looks like a whipped puppy whenever your name comes up. What did she do?” Cat asked and Lena turned abruptly to ask her to leave, but Cat’s expression was one of honest confusion and possibly, impossibly, caring. She seemed to realize her uncharacteristic feelings showed on her face because she rose to refill her own glass and stood next to Lena, leaning against the bar. “Is this about her other job?”

Everything went impossibly still. Lena knew in a moment that Cat was actually talking about Supergirl, not Kara Danvers and the thought that Cat Grant was able to think so effortlessly of Kara and Supergirl as the same person, hurt profoundly.

“You knew,” Lena said and was for the first time thankful she didn’t share Kara’s superpowers because she would have shattered the heavy crystal in her hands. Of course, Cat knew. Everyone in Kara’s life except Lena knew. Even Kara’s fucking boss.

“She didn’t tell me and we never discussed it. I guessed,” Cat said quickly as if realizing her mistake. 

“So do a story on her, not me,” Lena said and Cat raised an eyebrow. 

“There are enough stories about Supergirl,” Cat said. “We need more heroes who don’t have superpowers, who fight for good without being bulletproof.” 

“I can give you several names. Dr. Anji at Children’s Hospital would be a great start,” Lena said.

“Kara already spoke to her and got some solid quotes. If I decide to run the story and lose my best reporter, that is.”

“That’s not my problem,” Lena said. Cat just stared at her as if trying to read her, her history with Kara, in Lena’s expression.

“I don’t know what happened between you two, but I’ve never seen her so distraught about anything before,” Cat said. “She’s heartbroken.”

“I’m not discussing this with you, Cat. We’re done,” Lena said and carefully put down her glass. If she kept drinking at this rate, she’d have to have her assistant reschedule her meetings this afternoon. And tomorrow. She was already tipsy after one drink thanks to skipping lunch again. And cutting back dramatically on her drinking because of fencing. 

Cat stared at Lena for a few more beats then nodded and put down what was left of her drink. 

“I’m going to run the story, Lena,” Cat said softly and walked to the couch to retrieve her very expensive bag. “If I don’t, someone else will, and I don’t trust any of our competitors to do this justice. Even if I do lose my best reporter.”

“She’ll come around,” Lena said and stood to walk Cat to the door of her office. Lena decided she’d have to put a moratorium on all news from CatCo for the foreseeable future. A bulletproof filter on anything associated with the brand and her own name. Her PR department could deal with it. She made a note to contact her personal publicist.

“I’m not so sure about that,” Cat said with a pained smile. “Well, I was hoping for a better outcome, some quotes for the story maybe. But thank you anyway for speaking with me, Lena. I know this wasn’t easy for you.” 

Lena hoped her shock didn’t show on her face. Cat often teased and mocked, but rarely offered anything so serious and thoughtful. Lena managed somehow to simply nod at the confusing show of kindness. 

“I know it may not seem like it, but I am genuinely glad you’re back at CatCo,” Lena said and Cat smiled. 

“And I’m genuinely glad you’re here in National City using your family’s wealth and legacy for good, Lena Luthor,” Cat said. “But that’s off the record. We should do lunch sometime.” 

Lena smiled, but it felt forced. She’d never been good at taking compliments. They were more painful than the insults and threats she faced daily. She felt she deserved threats, but not the compliments. Another thing she was working on with her therapist. 

“Lunch with you sounds utterly terrifying,” Lena said and Cat actually laughed. A full laugh with her head thrown back. Nothing like the Cat Grant Lena remembered. Maybe the sabbatical had actually done Cat some good. For a few minutes after closing the door on Cat after walking her to the elevator, Lena fantasized about taking her own sabbatical. What she would do. Where she would go. But it was impossible. And it led her to a memory of her and Kara discussing a vacation they had planned to take together, so she shut that train of thought down and had her assistant clean up the remnants of her impromptu meeting. She had four hours left to get fifteen hours worth of work done if she wanted to make the Fencing Center meeting. And even if she didn't want to, she knew Coach would send the twins to her office to drag her there. And there was still the terrifying possibility of her date with Chan, which probably wasn't going to happen, but she still needed hours to freak out about it. With a sigh, Lena forced herself to focus on the pile of documents in front of her. She really should follow Jess and Sam's advice and learn how to delegate. 

Soon, the everyday routine of marking up legal documents and tech specs made her forget everything around her. Until the familiar sound of boots landing on her balcony made Lena freeze in here chair gripping her pen tight enough to shatter it if she weren't just a normal human. Lena refused to turn around to even check if she'd heard correctly. Slowly lowering her pen back to the paper, Lena tried to re-read the paragraph she'd just been pulled out of. Until the familiar knock on the bulletproof glass of her balcony door. A much more tentative knock than Lena remembered. With a sigh, Lena closed her eyes and put down her pen. Kara really was going to make her do this. 

Steeling herself and her expression, Lena turned to find Supergirl at the balcony door looking slumped and penitent. Lena unlocked the balcony door with a remote on her desk and rose slowly careful to keep any emotion off her face. It was colder outside than she expected, but there was no way Lena was going to let Kara into her office, her space, ever again.

"What can I do for you, Supergirl," Lena said and crossed her arms. 

"I, um, Cat is running the mystery fencer story," Kara said and Lena wanted to vomit because it was so very much Kara and not Supergirl and how could she have been so stupid. Yes, she'd been working on this in therapy for months, but it was different being confronted with it. With Kara and Supergirl and all the lies between them. 

"I know," Lena said and offered nothing else.

"I just want you to know I did everything I could to stop it, but she, I just --" Kara stopped and crossed her arms. There were tears in her eyes, so Lena looked away and took a deep breath.

"It's done. There's no reason for you to quit. Go back to work at Catco. Quitting is pointless."

Kara stood staring at her, mouth open in shock and Lena tried to figure out what she'd done to warrant such a response. 

"She told you? That I quit?! I asked her not to --"

"It doesn't matter," Lena interrupted and Kara took a step back. "Yes, Cat came by and tried to guilt me into giving more quotes or my blessing or something, but it's done and she told me she was running it anyway. So, what do you want me to do, Kara? Seriously. What was the point of this? Did you just want me to comfort you? Because I don't have time for that," Lena waved at her office, at the piles of documents on her desk then glanced at Kara to find her looking absolutely devastated. 

"No! That's not --" Kara said and now she was really crying and Lena felt like screaming. She was so tired of feeling guilty for protecting herself from the people who had hurt her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean...I just wanted you to know that I didn't want to run the article. And that I'm sorry you had to lose fencing, the thing you love and are so good at. That's...I never wanted that."

"Thank you," Lena said through clenched teeth. She thought she was angry and she was, but mainly, she was surprised to realize, she was just deeply sad. 

"You don't have to thank me," Kara said and wiped away tears. "You're right. This was selfish. I'm trying to get better at these things, but I just..." Kara stopped and laughed, a terrible self-deprecating laugh. "I just wanted to see you so badly and I know things will never be the same again between us. I know I totally messed this up." Kara's face looked like she was in pain. "I messed _us_ up, which is unforgivable. But I want you to know that I know I did and that I'll do anything you need me to do, even though we are never going to be an us again. I'll always be here for you. I just wanted you to hear me say that."

Lena didn't trust herself to speak. It was what she wanted to hear months ago and every day since, but it also hurt too much to hear. She didn't want to cry and she felt like if she said anything she'd finally collapse in grief. Or worse, her Luthor nature would rise up finally and consume her and she'd say something so terrible she wouldn't be able to forgive herself. 

As she was trying to decide what to say, how to say it, Lena's watch buzzed with incoming texts and she realized that she'd had her phone on a filtered timer to get work done and forgotten about it. She checked them out of habit and because she needed a distraction.

_Unknown: Are we still on for tonight? You missed the Fencing Center meeting so I'm not sure. This is Emma Chan, btw._

_Unknown: I read the article and totally get it if you need to cancel. Even though it makes you look like a superhero._

_Unknown: It doesn't have to be a date or anything. We could just be two fencers getting a drink._

_Unknown: 2 really hot fencers._

Lena snorted out loud at that, but cut herself off abruptly, absentmindedly putting Emma's name in her phone and putting the watch to sleep. She couldn't trust herself to respond at that moment. Kara was looking at her, a strange sad smile on her face as she wiped away tears.

"Sorry about that," Lena said then got angry with herself for apologizing. 

"No. It's fine. It's good. I'm glad...you have someone who can make you laugh," Kara said and her smile looked genuine if pained. 

"Look, Kara...Supergirl...I don't even know what to call you," Lena said finally exasperated and realized she was pinching the bridge of her nose, which was a sign of high distress for Lena. Everything about this was triggering for someone who liked to be in control, who didn't like surprises because they were always bad surprises if not lethal. Someone like Lena Luthor. 

Kara straightened up, her shoulders squaring as she smiled, and Lena prepared herself for a Supergirl lecture or worse, but Kara just extended her hand. "Hi. I'm Kara Zor-El, last daughter of Krypton. It's nice to meet you."

Lena just stared at the hand extended toward her for too long. It felt like hours, but of course, that was impossible. Why did everything around Kara bend everything in Lena out of orbit? Lena finally reached for Kara's hand, but as their hands connected another text from Emma Chan flashed on her wrist

_Emma Chan: Btw, I'm totally fine with this being a date. Just to be clear. I'll be at the hotel bar at 8._

The feeling of Kara's too-warm hand in her own after not touching her was like an electric shock. Lena looked up quickly to find Kara staring at the watch and Emma's text, her smile crumpling before returning with a forced, terrible grin.

"Oh. I'm sorry. You have a...date? With someone named Emma, which is totally cool and not something I knew...about you, that you were open to dating... people named Emma...you probably need to go," Kara said, but didn't let go of Lena's hand so they stood there on the balcony, hands connected, in awkward silence. 

"It's not," Lena began but Kara cut her off.

"Any of my business. I know," Kara said then very slowly, gently removed her hand from Lena's as if it was painful. 

Lena thought about the many times her therapist had encouraged her to speak to Kara, even in a controlled environment and how many times Lena had refused or outright ended that line of discussion. She knew she needed to finally deal with this so she could move on or whatever normal healthy people did, but she felt like her anger at Kara was something she desperately needed for her own protection. But protection from what? 

Kara watched, brow furrowed, as Lena automatically wiped her hand on her skirt and Lena felt bad again for making Kara feel so terrible even though part of her thought she deserved it. Lena was so tired of feeling like this and having no one but someone she paid to talk to about it with. She was so tired of losing her best friend every day because every day she had to relive the fact that Kara was gone, had never really existed. Every text about that idiot in Accounts, every stray silly or just stupid thought she had that she used to share with Kara. 

Maybe her therapist was right and Lena just needed some closure. Which wasn't what she'd said, but Lena was improvising and she wasn't going to be able to do this if she thought it wouldn't help her get the distance she needed from Kara. 

"Kara Zor-El," Lena said, rolling the name around in her mind, trying to get the underlying accent right, the punch on the vowels, the scrape of the consonants. Kara had that crinkle above her nose that meant she was confused or thinking very hard about something and Lena wondered what it was and wondered whether Kara Zor-El's thoughts were as fast as the rest of her body was with superspeed, then admonished herself for wondering about Kara at all. "Look, we are going to continue to run into each other. It's a small town when you're a Luthor so it's inevitable. I don't know how to do this, honestly, but we need to get some kind of closure so we can get on with things. Or I do anyway," which was incredibly difficult for Lena to admit. Her therapist would be proud of her, she thought then winced at the implication that she cared. 

"What do you need, Lena? Whatever it is, I'll do it." Kara was staring at her the way her Kara had always looked at her: with total devotion and attention. Lena ached and she felt angry and betrayed by her own damn heart. 

"I don't actually know," Lena said and frowned. "I just, maybe we can meet sometime and talk. Somewhere neutral?" Lena had no idea what they would talk about or what she needed from Kara, but it seemed like a start and she could research and plan for it beforehand. She'd already done a lot of the research in an attempt to resolve things without Kara's presence or input. 

Kara nodded enthusiastically and Lena tried to slow her treacherous heart, her heart that used to beat for Kara's smile. "Anytime. Wherever you want. Tonight? No. You have a date. Um, tomorrow?" Kara was nearly bouncing on her toes. Lena had no idea why she didn't correct her about her "date" with Emma, but she didn't. Instead she looked away and thought about her schedule, used her photographic memory to view the week in her calendar. Kara had stilled beside her, but it was a tightly coiled stillness as if she might explode into action at any moment. Which should have terrified anyone named Luthor, but just made Lena sad.

Her calendar was ridiculous, as usual, but she saw a few meetings she could move or just delegate. If she wanted. But she wasn't sure she did. She knew she should cancel with Emma and get this over with, but she didn't want to do that either. Even if she and Emma didn't happen, it felt like they could be friends. And Lena really needed friends. Unless it was all a trap and Emma had alerted the press. Lena would see when she got there. 

_parry, riposte_

But still, Kara. Kara Zor-El, she reminded herself, not Kara Danvers. Which begged the question: who would Lena be when she met with Kara Zor-El? CEO/business bitch? A Luthor with a capital L? World-class fencer, Slayer? Just Lena? Whoever that was. She'd thought she knew who Lena was when Kara Danvers entered her life, but that was over, which made that path a spiral into anger and despair. No wonder her therapist wanted to see her three times a week. 

"The Fencing Center. It's closed after ten, but I have keys and I'll let Coach know we'll be there," Lena said finally because it was neutral but also her turf. And maybe she could actually get there early and do some fencing. The idea of meeting with Kara in her fencing uniform felt appropriate. 

"Tomorrow night? Or the next? Or whenever. Any night is good," Kara said with forced nonchalance. Kara really was the worst liar. Which made Lena feel like an idiot all over again. She took a few deep breaths to re-center herself and used every strategy her therapist taught her to keep from spiraling again.

"I'll call you. If you can make it, great. If not, we'll reschedule," Lena said. It was a cop-out, but she needed the small bit of control it gave her.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a nice symmetry to possibly starting something with Emma Chan and finally ending whatever it was with Kara at roughly the same time Lena decided. But that got her uncomfortably close to the fact that her feelings for Kara had always been something more than friendship even if she'd never really acknowledged them or, more likely, since she was a Luthor, had been successfully denying those inconvenient feelings. And her therapist would tell her it was dangerous to think Emma Chan could fill the hole left by Kara Danvers. Dangerous and totally unfair to Emma Chan, who Lena had to admit, she didn't really know at all. She knew how she fenced, how she handled interviews, and apparently how she flirted, but Lena knew none of that meant actually knowing. But then she'd never really known Kara either. At least Emma Chan wasn't hiding a superhero identity. As far as Lena knew. This was the real price of Kara Danvers: Lena had worked so hard on trusting people again after Lex and Lillian and the trauma of a Luthor childhood. And worse, trusting herself to really know other people, to trust her instincts. But Kara had destroyed that, and Lena had helped her, and Lena was still trying to crawl out of the rubble.

She had briefly considered having her security team do a quick investigation of Emma Chan, then decided against it. Someone had done a background check for the Fencing Center and although Lena hadn't seen it, she had to assume Emma had passed or at least not raised any serious red flags. And it felt deeply hypocritical to investigate someone when Lena herself had been less than honest. Her entire fencing identity was based on a liberal bending of the truth. The mystery fencer, The Slayer, was Lena and also wasn't. The Slayer had given her a kind of freedom she would never had as Lena Luthor. She tried not to think about the parallels with Kara Danvers -- Kara Zor-El, she reminded herself -- and Supergirl. Because as much as she understood the allure of an alter-ego, she had never used the Slayer to get close to anyone else in order to gather intel she would then offer up to a black-ops government agency. 

Lena sighed. This was exactly the kind of circular thinking she'd been working on with her therapist. She knew that her intellect, which served her so well in so many capacities, could be a sort of self-destruct loop when applied to emotions and human interactions. Her brain tended to treat everything as a problem with a solution. But of course, many situations, many relationships, had no solution. But she couldn't turn it off. She'd learned early in the Luthor family that she not only needed to understand and catalog every behavior that might cause a backlash, but to be able to read the possible futures in the same way she read a chess board. Because as terrible as they were, Luthors were relatively predictable once you had discovered the patterns that governed them. Maybe that was the nature of evil. Evil saw all human interaction as game of strategy instead of a way to connect. Lena was desperately trying to relearn the basic vocabulary and grammar of human interaction because she'd been trained early to see the world through a Luthor lens. And her genius made it worse. Just finding a therapist she couldn't outwit within two seemingly innocuous questions had been a challenge itself. She had learned as a teen to dissect a therapy session and understand within moments where it was heading in order to avoid punishment from Lillian when her therapist inevitably reported all of Lena's most vulnerable truths to the Luthors. It was not helpful or healthy, but she'd learned to protect herself because she'd been hurt terribly, so it was as healthy as a young woman in a Luthor household could hope for. But her therapist was known for treating the gifted and had acknowledged in their first session that this was something she was used to dealing with. She considered Lena's over-analytic nature to be another symptom, a personality quirk, and adjusted accordingly. 

Lena took a drink of scotch and scheduled an appointment with her therapist, then pinged Tasha, her driver, to pick her up. She had a date, which was a miracle. And her date knew who she was and still wanted to have a drink with her. Another miracle. Lena smiled and raised a silent cheers with her nearly empty glass to the universe before downing the rest of her scotch. She began collecting her things, pointedly trying not to run through every possible date scenario. She was Lena Luthor. She had this.

#

She did not, in fact, have this. Emma was lovely and smart and funny in the way Lena would normally find incredibly sexy and compelling, but she couldn't stop worrying about the impending meeting with Kara and the potential fallout from the article. The article she hadn't read yet. She knew she was over-thinking, but she couldn't seem to stop. Lena didn't want to admit it to herself, but maybe today had just been too much. Work, she could handle. Work and its stresses were a constant. But Cat Grant, an article outing her fencing persona, a confrontation with Kara/Supergirl, then a date with a beautiful, brilliant woman? Her social anxiety levels were off the chart. And her phone was blowing up with texts from the twins who seemed to know she was on a date with Emma. And that Emma was going to be a fellow at the Fencing Center in a few months, which meant a not-so-long-distant relationship was possible. Lena tried not to hear the part of her brain that was shouting that she didn't do relationships at all. The closest she'd come to a real relationship was Kara Danvers and her Superfriends and look how that had turned out. 

She made a mental note to move the meeting with her personal publicist to a time after her emergency therapy session, then daydreamed for a few seconds about skipping work the next day and going to the beach. Emma was silent and smiling at her in a way that meant she had noticed that Lena had zoned out. Or she thought, as most people did, that Lena was involved in some serious evil scheming because that's what Luthors did in their spare time. 

"Are you okay?" Emma asked and Lena looked down, noticing that Emma had put her hand over Lena's. Lena barely felt it, which was strange. "I'm sorry I'm babbling. I'm not usually like this," Emma said and Lena felt terrible. Emma was absolutely stunning in her black cocktail dress and interested and interesting and Lena was a million miles away.

"No, I'm sorry," Lena said with a sigh and tried not to remove her hand. It had been so long since she'd been touched in a way that wasn't clinical or an aggressive shaking of hands for a business meeting. Or worse, the lecherous touch of some businessman who'd seriously underestimated Lena and overestimated his own charms. 

"I would make an excuse about the incredibly shitty day I've had, but you deserve better," Lena said and Emma's smile turned soft and sad. 

"It's really okay, Lena," Emma said and Lena nearly started to cry at hearing her name said with such care and gentleness. Which was ridiculous and made Lena face the fact that she was not ready for this. Or anything maybe. She certainly wasn't ready for kindness. "I just, look, usually I'm more of a, um, a player?" Emma laughed at herself and rolled her eyes before continuing. "That's all I've ever really had time for with fencing and everything. But I really like you and really want to get to know you. Even as a friend. Maybe us being friends right now is better. Because it doesn't seem like you're over the woman who barged into the fencing center. The reporter?"

Lena withdrew her hand then felt ridiculous because she'd given herself away. But then she had to ask herself, Given what away, exactly?

"We weren't together," Lena said quickly. "Kara's straight and we were just friends. Or I thought we were. But she'd been lying the whole time. About who she was and --" Lena looked up and Emma was listening intently, and she looked concerned or confused. It was difficult to tell, but Lena felt pitiful and there was really not much she hated more than the pity of others. "Whatever. It's over," which sounded too much like she was talking about a romantic relationship. "It's done," Lena said and drank the rest of her wine before signaling the bartender for another. She noted absently that her bodyguard was paying subtle attention to a nearby table where a drunk man ranted as his friend smiled. 

At another table, a woman set her phone down carefully and acted overly interested in whatever her date was saying. Had she just taken their picture while Emma was holding Lena's hand?

Several things happened almost simultaneously: First, the bartender arrived at their table to silently set Lena's wine glass down and retrieve the empty. Lena almost didn't notice the drunk man until he was hovering over their table screaming obscenities at the "Luthor bitch" and asking what it was like to fuck that alien dyke, Supergirl. Was it worth selling out the human race for billions? His smiling friend, Lena noticed, was gone. 

Emma stood up abruptly to face the drunk man, while Lena's bodyguard put a hand on his chest and told him to calm down before she removed him from the bar. While he screamed at Lena and her bodyguard, Lena stood up to protect Emma and to keep her from interfering and possibly getting hurt. 

Several members of hotel security showed up as Lena pinged her driver from her watch. This was going to get ugly and Lena was trying to minimize damage. This drunk didn't seem like a real threat, but where was his friend and why wasn't this guy backing down? Usually, the trolls just screamed a few things then stumbled away still screaming or muttering but cowed by the threat of arrest or whatever they imagined Lena's private security would do to them. 

Her bodyguard was joined by another member of her security team, Rafael, and the two of them escorted Lena and her date from the room and out of the hotel to the waiting car as hotel security tried to subdue the still-screaming drunk. 

"I'm sorry, Emma. Although, you should probably know that this is what it means to be friends with a Luthor," Lena said, sad and disappointed. "I understand if it's too much."

"He was a prick, Lena! This isn't your fault," Emma huffed and crossed her arms.

"Thank you," Lena said and meant it. "But he still managed to ruin this." 

"Not for me," Emma said and smiled. "Prick."

Lena actually laughed at that before kissing Emma on the cheek. Emma looked shocked and then shy. 

"Is it okay if Rafael makes sure you get back to your room safely?" Lena asked and Emma looked confused before quickly glancing at the bodyguard and nodding in acknowledgement. 

"Yes. Thank you, um,...could you text or call me when you get home?" Emma said, her voice shaking slightly, and Lena understood that Emma was actually frightened. 

"Definitely. I'm sorry about tonight --" Lena began but her bodyguard, Xiao, cut her off politely.

"Dr. Luthor, I'm sorry, but we haven't secured the area. And we can't locate target two. We really should be going."

Emma's smile vanished and she looked around for the first time as if understanding that this was Lena's life. This was her every day. With a nod to herself Emma squeezed Lena's hand before walking with Raphael to the lobby of the hotel. 

Lena sighed and let Tasha help her into the backseat of the customized black car. As the door was closing, Lena saw him. The smiling man. He was vaping at the corner. He held up a blinking device that Lena mistook at first for a vape, then a small phone. Until something in car with her made a nearly imperceptible mechanical noise only a lab rat and engineer like Lena would notice, and the man winked. 

"Bomb!" Lena screamed as she flung herself at the armored, closing door, hoping to warn someone, anyone so they could get clear in time. There was another sound Lena couldn't identify as the door to the car was torn from its hinges and Xiao and Tasha were tossed away. Then the bomb went off.   
#  
She must have blacked out for only a minute or two, but when she regained consciousness it was to a roaring in her ears then silence. Someone was carrying her or holding her, and she could hear what sounded like muffled yelling and car alarms. Lena looked down and saw the chaos of the street far below her: her armored car on its side against the hotel lobby doors, blackened and smoking, the red and blue lights of emergency vehicles, broken glass and shattered windows. 

The car bomb. Was she dead? That would explain the muffled sounds, the strange height like she was flying. 

"The smiling man," Lena said and looked for him but she was too far up. When she turned to see where she was, she found Kara's face above hers. Kara seemed to be having an angry conversation with someone, but Lena couldn't make out the words. And Kara was crying. 

Lena watched fascinated as the tendons in Kara's neck tensed. She wondered if Kara's musculature was identical to a human's and if so, how? How had two species on totally different planets evolved to be so similar? "Alex! I'm done talking about this," Kara yelled although it sounded like a whisper before yanking something out of her ear and tossing it toward a nearby rooftop. 

"Lena!" Lena could see that Kara was happy and that she seemed to still be saying something, but Lena could barely hear her. 

"What happened?" Lena said but couldn't hear herself over the roar, so she yelled it and Kara winced. 

Kara looked directly at her and carefully mouthed the words as she said them almost loud enough for Lena to hear. "Your eardrums. The explosion must have ruptured your eardrums."

Lena considered that for what felt like a very long time. Her thoughts seemed muddled and slow, like her hearing. She probably had a concussion. Lena nodded to her own thought then gagged at the wave of terrible and familiar throbbing pain in her head. Definitely a concussion. Again. 

"And a concussion," she muttered to herself then realized Kara must have heard her because she was nodding and babbling inaudibly. "Can't hear you."

Kara stopped suddenly and nodded with a wince and what looked like, Sorry.

"Take me to my office. I need to check on my security detail and make sure they're okay."

Kara was talking again; Lena could feel the rumble of words through her chest. She thought she could make out the word "hospital”, so Lena cut her off.

"No. No hospitals. I have a medical team on call. They'll come to my office if it's secure."

Kara did not look happy, but Lena set her jaw and stared at Kara until she caved with a roll of her eyes and a very Kara-esque pout. Lena made out the words "Fine, but..." and closed her eyes, bringing her arms up and around Kara's neck in preparation for their flight. Kara went absolutely still and Lena opened her eyes to find blue eyes staring down at her, Kara's mouth open as if in surprise. Before Lena could release her, Kara closed her eyes and Lena felt the soft familiar pressure as Kara's arms tightened around in her in what Lena remembered as preparation for lift off. She closed her eyes and hoped she didn't throw up all over National City.


	4. Chapter 4

Lena made it all the way to her office before throwing up, which she felt at this point was some kind of Nobel-worthy achievement. And she even managed to make it to a garbage can, which disappeared so quickly and returned clean she thought for a moment she must be hallucinating until she remembered the actual Kryptonian in the room with her. Perfect. This was exactly the impression she wanted to avoid with Kara. She needed to feel in control and strong, but instead she was on her knees throwing up in her office trashcan. Just perfect.

"Please go away and let me be miserable in peace," Lena moaned. Kara's red boots appeared in front of her and Lena was sure she could hear the muffled rumblings of Kara saying something, but she couldn't hear her, so she just tapped her ear again and muttered that she couldn't hear and suddenly Kara face was all she could see. 

Kara was talking again, and Lena still couldn't understand her, but she could tell that there was a question and some confusion, probably concern. But she'd never been good at reading Kara, obviously.

"I need my laptop. And there's a tablet or a notepad..." Lena trailed off and brought a hand to her head, which she was pretty sure was going to explode. She could hear Kara arguing with her, so she started to get up to get into her chair by herself. And promptly fell back on the floor. 

"Lena!" Kara's hands were on her trying to pick her up, but Lena shook them off. 

"Kara. I need my laptop because my driver and bodyguard could be dead and if they're not, they're going to kill themselves trying to find me. And so is my medical team. So please get me my fucking laptop and a notepad so you can write on it since I can't hear you." There was silence for which Lena was grateful since just speaking those words seemed to take every bit of energy she'd ever had. She closed her eyes and let her usually rigid posture relax. She was simply too exhausted to keep up the facade. And breathing was painful, which she knew wasn't a good sign. She placed a hand on her aching side and a tablet appeared in front of her.

_2 cracked ribs. Concussion. Perforated eardrums._

Well, that was convenient. One of the only things about having a lying Kryptonian for a (former) friend that was convenient. And the rescuing. Which she would have to think about later because that was one emotional crisis too many. At least she could forgo the x-ray until later.

Her laptop appeared in front of her and the reassuring weight of a blanket settled over her shoulders, which was probably a good thing because she was shivering. 

_Shock. I'm in shock_ , Lena realized, but ignored because her security team needed her. _I'm also in an unbelievable amount of pain._ But she was used to ignoring inconveniences like pain. 

When she opened up a secure channel to her team, it seemed like pure chaos. Her entire personal team was at the hotel bomb site along with several of her attorneys. The feed was absolutely wild with chatter as her bodyguards and techs went over the site and the surrounding area. There were several mentions of Supergirl, and someone said that Xiao was at University Hospital. Which was when Lena decided to let them know she was alive and in her office. The feed exploded with reactions and suspicion, so Lena went to video and that's when she got her first good look at herself. No wonder Kara was worried. Blood from both ears had dried in lines on her jaw, a gash over one eye and a deep bruise along her jaw were just the most obvious. Her hair was full of glass and one eye had a subjunctival hemorrhage. She toggled on the speech-to-text AI so she could see subtitles as she tried to read lips. 

"I need a med team to my office, but only if they're not needed on scene," Lena said and they all looked so relieved. Tasha actually started to cry. 

"Tasha, why aren't you at the hospital?" Lena asked and her driver started crying harder. She was covered in glass and soot, a blood-soaked bandage on her head and a makeshift sling on her arm. 

"Miss Thing thinks she's being brave when she's just being an idiot. She wanted to make sure you were okay," Rafael said and Tasha punched him in the arm and laughed. Lena started chuckling along with the rest of the team. She knew necessary stress relief when she saw it. 

"Rafael, would you please make sure Ms. Thing gets to a hospital. Now. And make sure her wife knows and has every resource she needs," Lena said and Rafael gave her a quick nod. Maybe her voice had gotten too loud on that. It was difficult to tell. 

"We need to get a specialist team to your office. I've alerted building security, but it'll take Jules and Govind a few minutes to get there from here."

"No rush. I'm with Supergirl," Lena said and then wished she hadn't. For some reason she didn't want anyone to know she and Kara were on speaking terms. And it felt too relationship-y. Or maybe that was the concussion confusing everything. "Supergirl's here, I mean."  
Rafael's next question was one they'd practiced for hostage situations, to make sure that Lena wasn't being held against her will. Rafael was extremely good at his job and knew she didn't trust Supergirl, but the question still surprised her. She'd fallen back so quickly into old patterns with Kara. 

Lena glanced up to find Kara trying to appear as if she wasn't listening, but her forehead was crinkled in a familiar way that meant she was confused by the strange question. Sighing, Lena gave the correct response to let Rafael know she was safe, and his shoulders lowered a millimeter as if he'd actually been worried. She did pay her team very well. They'd have to work on a new code since Kara was aware of this one, which meant they had to assume that the DEO now knew it too.

After she'd gotten the status on Xiao -- critical, but stable -- and learned that a medical team was en route to L-Corp, they discussed next steps in finding out who had bombed Lena's car and why. Security was already scouring the hotel's surveillance footage as well as L-Corp and connected sites to make sure nothing else had been sabotaged. Lena's head was ringing but she thanked them all and made a note in her system to give them all bonuses. And pay all of their hospital bills. Which was already in their contracts, but still. 

"Supergirl!" It was muffled, but Tasha's voice came through. Lena had no idea what was going on or why Tasha was screaming about Supergirl who was right in front of Lena looking confused, but Lena's thoughts were less than laser sharp. "Supergirl you better not let our girl get hurt again or we'll come kick your big blue ass!" She heard Rafael trying to contain his laughter and Tasha's feed was suddenly cut. 

"I would say I'm sorry about that, but I'm not," Rafael said and Kara's weight shifted from one foot to another. "But I will say that Tasha's had a rather large dose of painkillers." 

A notepad appeared next to Lena's laptop and it couldn't be good that she was having trouble making out the letters.

_Brb._

She looked up to find Kara giving her a quick wave before she was suddenly gone and every piece of paper in Lena's office that wasn't nailed down was now airborne.

"Such a drama queen."

Rafael looked shocked for a moment when Supergirl appeared at his side. They had a hushed conversation, which was pointless because the AI was still transcribing everything they said and printing it on Lena's screen. Rafael was grilling Kara about the bombing and Lena's health. Until they were interrupted by an NCPD detective and an FBI agent who began asking more questions about the bombing. Supergirl gave them what she could, the details of which, Lena was going to have to process at some point when her brain was actually functioning properly.

Then she remembered. "The smiling man!" Lena said and Rafael and Supergirl actually jumped. She'd forgotten about her eardrum problem and that had come out a bit louder than she intended. Lena lowered her voice and told them about the smiling man and the drunk troll he'd been with in the restaurant. He must be on the surveillance footage and he must have known he would be. Why hadn't he been worried? He wasn't even wearing a hat or glasses or anything to mask his appearance. Or maybe he had, and it hadn't been visible to Lena. An image inducer would do it and Lena had designed one that was sitting in an L-Corp lab. 

Her train of thought was broken when someone unidentified by the AI asked Supergirl why she hadn't caught the bomber. Kara's face went absolutely stony and when she turned her gaze to the man who'd spoken -- a NCPD detective Lena didn't recognize -- Lena saw her eyes flare slightly red as if she was holding back her laser vision.

"My priority was saving Dr. Luthor and her team from a car bomb. It's your job to identify and catch the criminals who designed and detonated the bomb, Detective." 

Lena watched Rafael nod and smile almost imperceptibly at Kara and she couldn't blame him. She'd forgotten this side of Kara, of Supergirl. Kara so infrequently showed it to the world. It was kind of hot, which was not a thought Lena Luthor had about her former friend who had betrayed her, so she shut that down and focused on the intel they had. "And right now, I need to ensure Dr. Luthor is still safe. I'll check back later." She nodded to Rafael and was gone in a burst of Superspeed.

With another gust of wind, Kara was back in Lena's office, her demeanor completely different. Gone was the steely superhero replaced by the worried puppy Lena remembered from her friendship with Kara Danvers. Kara, who was again, babbling full speed even though Lena couldn't hear her. 

"Kara," Lena whispered then pointed to her ear and kept typing an email to her lawyers and to Sam to let her know she'd be taking over as CEO for at least a few days. 

_Can I help you move to the couch at least?_

Lena sighed and bit back an automatic refusal. She didn't want to show weakness and she definitely didn't want Kara touching her again, but she was really uncomfortable on the floor and there was no way she could get herself up and over to the couch. Just breathing was excruciating. 

"I'm afraid I'll throw up again," Lena whispered and Kara's face appeared in her line of sight. There was a blur of movement before the notepad appeared in front of her again.

_This suit has seen worse. Please let me help you to the couch. Please._

Lena closed her eyes and nodded. She decided that keeping her eyes closed was probably a good strategy as strong arms gently picked her up and effortlessly carried her to the couch. Kara must have flown them or floated them across the office in some way because there was none of the jostling there should have been. The blanket was draped over her again and her laptop gently placed on her lap. Lena couldn't stop thinking about the amount of control necessary for someone to go from throwing entire building into space to gently placing a fragile human on a sofa. 

Before Lena could go very far down that particular science-nerd rabbit hole, she felt gentle pressure on her shoulder and smelled Sharpie. Lena open her eyes to the now familiar notepad:

_Med team is in the elevator on the way up._

"Thank you," Lena whispered and closed her eyes again, but not before seeing that what she'd assumed was a blanket was in fact Supergirl's cape. She was lying under the Kryptonian's symbol and cape. Perfect. Maybe Lillian could show up right now and have a stroke. Or Alex. Or Superman. That might be even funnier. 

_What's so funny?_

Which just made Lena laugh which then made her ribs scream in agony. Thankfully, the medical team arrived at that point, which meant endless questions and explanations, all of it in Lena's first language: science. They were reluctant at first to accept Kara's x-ray vision analysis, but Lena insisted. Mainly because she didn't want to have to move to another location to undergo a ton of tests when she knew what was wrong. Kara had only confirmed her assumptions. And there wasn't much they could do about the concussion or eardrums but let her body do its own healing. The broken ribs, at least, meant that she could try out some of the new medical tech her team had developed to treat traumatic injuries. A nanite gel cast that was also a subdermal delivery system was spread onto her ribs while Kara nervously turned her back then rocked from one foot to another, heel to toe. No one needed to know (beyond her medical team anyway) that Lena was once again using herself as a guinea pig. But Lena trusted her own tech more than she trusted hospitals at this point. And she knew how to remove the gel/cast quickly with a solvent she kept in her desk. She should probably keep some in her bag and maybe her pocket until things calmed down. 

There was an argument about painkillers and Lena needing to be under observation for the night due to the concussion. Supergirl insisted she would be the one to stay with Lena, which made Lena furious. Once again, it felt like Kara was trying to control and manipulate her. 

"Don't you have important people to save? Aliens to beat up and throw into concentration camps?" Lena snapped then closed her eyes. The gel was hardening on her ribs and making speech even more difficult. And she knew her tone was off because she couldn't hear and was basically yelling everything. And there was the pain. 

She opened her eyes to Kara looking devastated but obstinate and the medical team looking between the two of them with confusion and serious discomfort. This was not what she wanted. Things were bad enough without Lena going full Luthor and verbally attacking National City's golden superhero after being saved by her. Probably. Lena still didn't know the details of what happened after she yelled "bomb."

"Apologies, Dr. Chenay." Lena said, sighing wearily as she closed her eyes against the pain and everything. "I'll take the painkiller and..." she winced. "And whatever Super supervision you deem appropriate. Anything to stay out of the hospital." 

There was a slight superspeed breeze Lena was growing familiar with and when she opened her eyes, a glass of water and two white pills in Kara's hand. She didn't want to take the pills, but knew that if she didn't, it would just prolong the healing process. She calculated she had about 25 minutes before they hit her system and turned her into an idiot. Twenty-five minutes to get her buildings and network secure, her security team in place, and at least three rooms between her and Kara. 

They didn't make it back to her apartment for another hour. There was a security breach at one of Lex's old labs and for the thousandth time Lena imagined just filling them all with cement. Her reserve security team had gone over her apartment and a bodyguard was outside her door even though Supergirl was with her and had scanned the apartment herself before carrying Lena inside. 

Lena was, as they say, feeling no pain, and trying very hard to keep her mouth closed until she was safely in her bed away from Kara. She wanted a long hot bath, but knew it was impossible in her current condition unless she had help, which just made her more aware of the strong arms holding her close. 

"Please put me down," Lena whispered. Kara quickly put Lena on her feet, but didn't pull away entirely, holding Lena lightly in case she fell. This meant that Lena was standing too close to the superhero, held lightly as if in an embrace. She looked up to ask Kara to release her but was silenced by familiar blue eyes looking down into her own. Kara's eyes. Her best friend. Lena swayed on her feet and remembered the rather large dose of Vicodin in her system. 

"Lena, can you...are you okay? I can put you on the couch or wherever...do you want some water or...?" Kara's voice was muffled, and Lena didn't realize she was crying until she tasted the salt. The sting of it in her cut lip made things perfectly clear for just a moment. The tears, the pain, the familiar scent of Kara's shampoo -- it was all taking her back to someplace she desperately did and did not want to return to. 

"I was in love with Kara Danvers and you might as well have killed her," Lena said, laughing through sobs. And this was exactly why she'd meant to be away from Kara before the painkillers kicked in. 

Lena stumbled but caught herself on the back of the couch, wrenching herself away from Kara. The tears were streaming down her face now and she didn't trust herself to stop talking so she walked toward her bedroom slowly.

"Lena," Kara choked and Lena could hear the break in her voice even through hear perforated eardrums, but she wasn't falling into those eyes again.

"I need to take a shower," Lena said and then because she was a fucking Luthor and couldn't help being a good little hostess as she'd been trained since adoption: "Put in an order at that Thai place. Use the house app. They'll put it in my tab." 

It took her a ridiculously long time to walk to her bedroom and through to the attached master bath or it seemed to take a ridiculously long time. She was limping and her breath was raspy and sounding pretty terrible, but she didn't want Kara to help her, so she decided to act as if she were alone. She was used to being alone. She was used to ignoring people who might cause her more pain. 

The shower took forever, and she was absolutely exhausted when she finally stepped out of the muggy heat into her bedroom. Washing her hair with broken ribs was truly something Lena never wanted to repeat. Even with the gel, it had been excruciating. She'd finally broken-down sobbing and had just let herself cry until she could hear loud tapping on the glass and realized Kara could hear her and was worried she'd hurt herself. For a nanosecond Lena was terrified and electrified by the idea of Kara busting in on her naked and bleeding and crying on the floor of the shower. Terrified and ashamed won out. 

"I'm fine!" Lena said then realized she was yelling again. "I mean, I'm not fine, but there's no emergency." There was the muffled sound of Kara's voice then silence. 

When she finally made it to sit on the edge of her bed, her laptop was waiting for her and so was Kara holding her phone and the notepad:

_Please call Sam and let her know I'm haven't kidnapped you before she has L-Corp security forces attack the DEO._

Once upon a time, Lena had added Kara's biometrics to her phone in case of emergency so that Kara Danvers could open it if needed. She'd reset everything of course, but Kara didn't know that. Lena wondered if Kara had tried it and how many times before giving up. Kara's face appeared in her line of site looking worried again. Lena must have gotten lost in her thoughts and zoned out. Again. She took the phone from Kara without saying anything then stared pointedly at Kara until she got the hint and left the room. Lena knew it made no difference -- Kara could hear her from Rome probably -- but at least she wouldn't have to look at her. 

Lena facetimed Sam and while she was waiting for the call to connect wondered if it was really possible to have L-Corp security attack the DEO. Well, they did have some mercenary ex-military types on contract, and they had been an arms supplier for nearly a generation. She was halfway into strategizing what this would look like when she realized what she was doing and laughed. Once a Luthor, always a Luthor apparently. 

"LENA WHAT THE FUCK GIRL!" was printed on the screen below Sam's exhausted face, but Lena could hear her pretty clearly. 

"Hey, Sam," Lena said quietly trying to control her voice. She loved Sam, but she wasn't used to seeing evidence that people actually loved her back. Or cared in any capacity. 

"Jeez, Lee. You look like shit," Sam said and then started laughing and crying simultaneously. 

"Please don't sugarcoat it for me, Sam," Lena said and smiled until she felt her lip split again. Well, at least she'd washed most of the dried blood off and there was nothing she could do about her eye. She searched around for a Kleenex and dabbed at her lip as Sam asked for details ("not too many or I'll have nightmares!") and they moved on to talking about Ruby's new obsession with fencing thanks to a certain Slayer. Lena found herself delighted to have such a connection to the girl she considered to be her niece and about a thousand times cooler than Lena would ever be. She was making a mental list of all the equipment she would order for Ruby (and make as well when she had Ruby here to test them out) when Sam read her mind and made her promise to not "be ridiculous and spend a million dollars on something Ruby could drop tomorrow. She's a teenager for fork's sake." 

"Did you really just say "for fork's sake?" Or do I need kill someone on my voice-to-text team," Lena said and Sam laughed. "Or are you the one who's been taken hostage, and this is a cry for help?" Which made Sam laugh harder and begin an explanation about a bet made with Ruby and a swear jar filled with $20 bills until she seemed to process what Lena said and asked Lena if she was really okay and who was staying with her to monitor her condition, which lead to the inevitable reveal that Supergirl was in her apartment, which lead to dead silence on the other end. Even Sam's video seemed to be frozen. 

"Are you really okay, Lena?" Sam asked and even though Lena couldn't hear her voice, she could somehow feel the concern. Sam didn't know the details of her falling out with Kara Danvers, Supergirl, and the Superfriends, but she knew enough to understand that Supergirl being in Lena's apartment was probably not something Lena chose. Lena didn't know what to say. She was so not okay on so many levels, but she knew that Sam was asking if she was being held against her will by Supergirl, which she wasn't. And also, she was because the last thing she wanted was Supergirl in her space or anywhere near her when she was feeling so vulnerable. Sam finally said that she'd spoken to Rafael, so she was 95% certain Lena wasn't being held in a cell somewhere and Lena smiled before sweeping the phone around her bedroom. 

"Did you make her stand out on the balcony?" Sam asked and Lena actually laughed out loud at the image. 

"No, but that's a fantastic idea," Lena said and then felt bad for the fact that Kara could probably hear her. Because Kara would probably do that for her if Lena said it would make her feel more comfortable.

"Shit. I have to pick up Ruby but thank you for FINALLY calling me back. You and I are going to have drinks next week and you're going to tell me all about this date that literally exploded on you," Sam said smiling. 

"She didn't explode, exactly," Lena said and Sam apparently mistook her meaning and laughed uproariously. "It was more my car. Exploding."

"Lena Luthor, you have never had any game," Sam laughed and Lena rolled her eyes. 

"Refresh my memory," Lena said, smiling evilly. "About your last date, Ms. Arias." 

"I think the only outing I've been on in the past year that could count as a date was drinks with you," Sam said and winked. Lena laughed. 

"You didn't tell me I had a shot, Arias. I would have totally hit that." 

Sam laughed out loud and made fun of Lena for being fucked up on painkillers, which felt like really old times before...everything. Before Reign, before Lex's madness, when Lena was just a lab rat with a trust fund and Sam was a finance nerd. 

Laughing, they made more promises to see each other and ended the call. Feeling slightly more human and very stoned on painkillers, Lena decided it was time to check her messages and spent the next ten minutes reassuring the twins, Coach, Emma Chan (who managed to send almost as many worried texts as the twins, which was...nice), and even Cat Grant that she was, if not fine, not blown up and would be fencing again by next week (only Coach called her out and told her with a smirk that Lena would be fencing at another club until she was fully healed, which would be until the end of time because she would never heal unless she rested. She loved that woman.)

Getting dressed was almost as excruciating as the shower, but she was finally able to pull on some sweats and an old button-down of Jack's and a favorite merino zip-up. She could live without underwear and a bra for a day. She would have to take another look at some of the plans for their new health assistant robots because if she was having this much difficulty with basic tasks, she imagined it was much worse for the chronically ill and disabled. 

When she finally limped awkwardly into her kitchen, she was surprised to find Kara still in her Supergirl suit with air buds in her ears sitting at her kitchen table, which was literally covered in piles of unopened bags of Thai delivery. Kara was doing something with her phone and looked up startled when Lena walked in. 

"Why didn't you eat?" Lena asked and hissed when she tried to open the fridge door and felt like she'd been kicked in the ribs. Kara was there instantly, the door open in a blast of air. Lena really just wanted a Pellegrino but was worried she couldn't stretch that far. "I...could you please hand me a Pellegrino?" 

Kara said something Lena couldn't hear, but didn't move to get her soda, just smiling as she held open the fridge and Lena just stared at her until Kara relented and gave her the bottle. 

Lena turned away from her only to face the mountain of food as well as the plates and silverware Kara had gotten out for the two of them. There was a wine glass for Lena even though she wasn't supposed to drink (god, she wanted a scotch!). It was so domestic, so like the many times they'd had dinner together on movie nights. Lena's phone buzzed in her pocket. 

_Supergirl: I thought this might be easier. What do you want to eat? If you go sit on the couch, I'll bring it to you._

Lena had blocked Kara months ago but kept Supergirl for emergencies and because Kara never texted or called her as Supergirl. Until now. 

"I don't want any food," Lena said and Kara gave her a look that was somewhere between a Kara pout and Supergirl steel. "Fine. White rice," Lena said and walked into the living room where the TV was silently cycling through the news. Which seemed to be mainly shots of Lena's destroyed car and the blown-out windows at the hotel. She took a sip of Pellegrino and hoped it helped her nausea. Painkillers always made her feel sick. And stupid. 

Her publicist was up next, and Lena read the subtitles to find that it was exactly the statement they'd agreed on before she finally left the office. Her phone buzzed.

_Supergirl: They caught your Smiling Man, but he's not talking._

Kara appeared in front of her with a small plate of rice and a few vegetables on the side. Lena picked at it with her chopsticks (Kara, annoyingly, had brought Lena's favorite pair) as the news cycled through the same shots and interviews before finally moving on at least temporarily. But they hadn't really moved on. There was some amateur terrible footage from a fencing tournament and Lena's painkiller-addled brain caught up. CatCo was bookending the car bombing coverage with Kara's expose on the Slayer and Lena's Fencing Center. 

"Fuck," Lena said and closed her eyes. Chewing the rest of the bite of rice in her mouth seemed to take gargantuan effort and her lip split again. She felt Kara scrambling near her and a light touch on her shoulder. When she opened her eyes, the TV was playing Great British Bake-Off and the remote was on the seat next to her. 

Kara sat in a nearby chair, which was new for them. But she was still in her Supergirl suit, which pissed Lena off for some reason. It felt territorial even though Lena was pretty sure it wasn't meant to be. 

"Why are you still in that ridiculous suit?" Lena asked, but it came out sounding angrier than she meant it to, and probably louder. Kara winced and said something, but Lena's hearing was pretty much non-existent, and she wasn't sharp enough to figure it out from a combination of her mediocre lip-reading skills and context. She pointed at her ear and sighed. 

Kara shrugged and put down her enormous plate of food. 

_Supergirl: I can change. I thought it would be easier if your security team came to the apartment again._

"Whatever," Lena mumbled and pretended to watch Bake-Off for a few minutes, but she was too physically uncomfortable to really take it in, plus the men who'd taken over the show pissed her off. 

_Supergirl: Are we going to talk about what you said earlier?_

"Absolutely fucking not," Lena said and tried to put her feet up on the ottoman only to nearly double over in pain. Kara was there instantly to gently pick Lena's feet up and place them on the ottoman. Lena was in too much pain and too tired to do anything to stop her. Then Kara was above her adjusting pillows before carefully guiding Lena back into a position that was slightly more comfortable and made it easier to breathe. "Thank you," Lena said and closed her eyes. She felt her phone buzz with Supergirl's now-familiar rhythm and sighed. This was ridiculous. She couldn't bear to reach for her phone.

"Could you please get me my laptop," Lena said, careful to keep her voice low. She watched Kara look back toward the bedroom with something like fear then back to Lena, nodding. She made the trip without Superspeed, so it felt to Lena like hours before she returned. When it was settled in her lap, Kara moved her chair to face Lena, before sitting down. Lena made a few tweaks to the code and opened her laptop camera on Kara. 

"Say something," Lena said and Kara's brow crinkled in confusion.

"Like what?" Kara asked and the words appeared on the screen. "You curse a lot more now," Kara said apparently assuming Lena wouldn't hear her. 

"Maybe I always fucking cursed this much just not around perfect Kara Danvers and SuperPure," Lena said, satisfied now at least that she wouldn't have to move or wonder what Kara was saying that she couldn't hear. 

"Or maybe it's the painkillers. Which you need to take again in ten minutes," Kara said. 

"No more painkillers. I'll have a glass of scotch."

"Lena --" Kara began but Lena cut her off.

"Painkillers also make me horny and eventually totally paranoid. You still want me to take more?"

"Um, okay. No." Kara said. "What does scotch make you?" 

"Numb," Lena said and they both stared at each other for a few moments before Kara reluctantly got up and poured Lena a scotch in one of her favorite glasses. "If we're going to sit here and _talk_ I'm going to need this. Sláinte." 

The scotch burned all the way down and kept burning the cut in her lip like a reminder, a red flag. Lena could see her custom-built epees and sabers leaning against the wall behind Kara. She'd been too busy to put them away when her driver returned her bag from the Fencing Center the day she'd fled. That seemed like years ago, even though it was really only a few days. Kara looked nervous, but also hopeful. As if this was another fight she could win with her powers. Lena stared at the symbol on Kara's chest so she wouldn't have to look at those eyes.

_Parry, riposte._

"Stronger together," Lena said and took another drink. "Fascinating definition of 'together' you have, by the way." Okay, maybe that was more attack than riposte, but Lena was only human and facing her former friend, who happened to be a god. Some blows were impossible to parry; you just had to take them and move to the next round.

Kara winced and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Lena. I wanted to tell you so badly --" 

"So you've said ad nauseam, yet you didn't. For years. But your boss and every one of our friends knew the truth," Lena said and took another drink then set it down. The scotch was doing strange things with the painkillers still left in her system as well as the concussion. She needed to be present for this conversation if they were actually going to have it. And Lena couldn't think of a better time than when she was in pain, in forced isolation after a traumatic attack, and fucked up. Might as well get all of this done at once. Except she could hear her therapist asking her if this was actually helping her. Or Kara. And what exactly she wanted out of this. She still didn't know the answers to these questions, but the scientist in her couldn't help thinking of this as an experiment, a data-gathering exercise to get her closer to that answer. She needed, either way, to focus and not let her anger and grief turn into something else, something dangerous. 

Lena tried to take a deep breath to center herself, but her ribs made it too painful, then impossible, like the sky was crushing her. 

"Okay. Where are the painkillers? I'll take one. Just one," Lena said and after a brief pause one pill appeared in front of her along with a new bottle of Pellegrino. She took both and took the pill. She took a few more bites of the now-cold rice to settle her stomach and to avoid talking for a few more minutes. She could see Kara fidgeting in the chair and assumed she was sitting in silence. When she finally looked up she found Kara staring angrily at her phone. 

"Super emergency? It's no problem, really. I can have security check on me every few hours if you need to go," Lena said and took another sip of Pellegrino before holding the cool bottle up to her throbbing head.

Kara looked up startled. "No. I...Cat wants me to get quotes from you and Supergirl about the bombing. But I told her you were off limits."

"Once again, you're making decisions for me," Lena said and watched Kara sputter. 

"You want to do an interview? With me? Now?" the printed text on the screen didn't really capture the disbelief on Kara's face. 

Lena stared at the screen then at Kara, "What do I get out of it?" 

Kara looked down, "Whatever you want. I just...do you even know what that is? Because I... don't. I will literally do anything, but you've let me know there's nothing I can do, and you don't trust anything I say." 

"Why would I?" Lena asked. Kara's frown deepened and she looked away again. "Seriously, why on earth would you expect me to trust you after this?" 

"I don't. But I always hope...it doesn't matter. I just don't see us getting anywhere talking if you don't believe anything I say."

"Agreed. Then why are you here, Supergirl? Plenty of other people are qualified to babysit me. I don't need a Super for concussion watch."

"Someone is still trying to kill you. Probably CADMUS. They're not going to stop at bombing your car and you know it."

"Again. Why are you here? I have a security team." 

"A security team who didn't save you or even realize the bomb was there," Kara said and Lena nodded to the truth of it. "You may not believe anything I say, but I'm not going to stop being here for you, keeping you safe when I can," Kara said in a way that was very Kara but also very much the Girl of Steel. It affected Lena more than she wanted to admit, even to herself. All she'd ever wanted was someone she could trust, someone who would _stay_ and be there for her even when she inevitably fucked up. She'd given up believing in it until Kara. 

"You pulled me out of the car before the explosion," Lena said, understanding at once what happened in the car. Kara nodded. 

"I wasn't sure, until you screamed," Kara said. "How did you know? About the bomb?" 

"The smiling man from the restaurant. And a weird noise in the car," Lena said. "Why were you there? Spying on me?"

Kara squirmed in her seat looking uncomfortable. She was, Lena noted, even blushing. 

When Kara didn't answer Lena asked, "Is this the interview?"

"No," Kara said, and Lena felt her eyebrow raise until she realized the glue on the gash above her eye was going to make that impossible. One of her superpowers, gone. Hopefully it was temporary. "I wouldn't ask that for an interview."

Lena thought about that and everything they'd just said. "What would you ask?" 

Kara gave her a twisted sort of smile as if she was trying and failing to solve an equation. "What do you get out of it?"

"Touché," Lena said and smiled. "I get to ask a question for every question you ask."

"But you don't believe anything I say," Kara said. "Why would you want to ask me questions?" 

Which was a really good question. Lena's head hurt, everything hurt, and the painkiller was starting to make her a little fuzzy, but she didn't think that was what compelled her to ask. 

"One of the things I love about science is that it's not the "this equals this" that everyone thinks it is. It's about asking interesting questions and trying to find the answers. But most of the time, you don't get the answer you want or even any answer at all." Lena shrugged. "It doesn't mean it wasn't worth asking the question. You can discover interesting things even when they don't lead directly to answers." 

Kara's head tilted as if she was deeply considering what Lena said, which was something Lena had missed about their friendship: It was one of the few times she'd felt seen. As if someone were actually listening to her without judgement, which of course had been another kind of lie. But this felt different even than Kara's usual attentive listening. Her gaze was thoughtful but direct, a strange mixture of Kara and Supergirl that was simultaneously neither one of them. As if she was considering what Lena had said on multiple levels. Was this the real Kara, the Kryptonian who'd been forced to hide as a human, underneath? Or was there such a person at all? More questions she would never answer. 

"Okay, Dr. Luthor. First things first, how are you doing? Were you injured in the blast?" Kara asked, assuming a much more Kara-esque posture in the chair. 

"So we're really doing this?" Lena asked and felt the tug of the wound bond above her eye. 

"Sure. Anything to keep you talking to me," Kara said with an un-Kara-like smile. 

"Anything to get that quote for Cat, huh?" Lena said and took a sip of water. 

"Sure," Kara said and crossed her legs. "Whatever you say, Dr. Luthor." 

Lena considered Kara's question and everything surrounding it: The PR implications; the information that had to be withheld for the investigation, for corporate security, for her own security, etc.; the personal and the public; everything between Kara and Lena. It was a lot. And Lena loved a challenge. She smiled and was satisfied to see the confident smile on Kara's lips fade just a little then expand into a genuine Kara grin. En Garde.


	5. Chapter 5

Except, of course, human interactions and emotions weren't a game as much as Lena willed them to be. The first couple of questions from Kara had been pretty much what Lena would expect from a normal interview without the gotcha questions or the insinuations that Lena was somehow at fault for her own car exploding. And Lena answered them the way she normally would, in a publicist-approved patter with a hint of personality thrown in to give Kara something to take to Cat. Something that made it clear Kara was speaking to Lena Luthor and not getting her quotes from L-Corp PR. When Kara waited for Lena's quid pro quo question in return, Lena had passed saying she was saving her questions until the interview was over. After five questions, Kara took a deep breath and told Lena she had enough and started speed typing from memory everything Lena had said. She sent the quotes to Lena and waited for her to read them, which seemed to take forever because of the concussion. It was pretty much as Lena remembered, probably a bit better and she nodded her consent before Kara sent them to Cat or whoever was on the other end of that text. For all Lena knew it could be Director Danvers and the DEO. 

"You didn't record any of that," Lena said, re-reading the quotes and questions. "Do you have a Super memory on top of all the other superpowers?" 

"Is this one of your questions?" Kara asked and Lena smiled as the speech-to-text came up on her screen. 

"Yes, but that hardly seems fair when you were collecting info on me for years and apparently still are. You were obviously spying on my date with Emma."

Kara sat up alarmed, her face turning red in what Lena instantly recognized as Kara Danvers' guilty and ashamed face. "I didn't! I wasn't spying...I mean, I didn't listen...to your date," Kara said, getting more and more flustered. "I just wanted to make sure you were safe, which apparently you weren't."

Lena could feel herself hardening in fury at the rationalization, every wall slamming into place. 

"And how often and when have you spied on me? How many conversations and meetings have you used your powers to eavesdrop on in the name of keeping me safe? I mean, do you listen in on my doctor's appointments too? Just to be safe?" 

"That's rich, coming from the woman who kept all of Lex's "research" on Kryptonian physiology," Kara said crossed her arms. 

"As you so helpfully pointed out, it was Lex's research," Lena said, her tone nearly arctic. "Not mine. Research I used to create a device to protect you from kryptonite. So, I guess all of that 'you're not your brother, Lena,'" Lena said in a saccharine imitation of Kara. "Was just talk. To get closer to me. Like everything else. Another trap." 

Kara's mouth fell open in what looked like shock, but Lena couldn't trust her own judgement to be sure. 

"You think you're so different from the 'evil' Luthors," Lena said softly, her voice a sharp edge. "But I grew up in the minefields of power. I know how to spot manipulation and traps. It was Survival 101 in the Luthor house," Lena closed her eyes in anger. She hadn't meant to reveal that particular truth.

"I'm sorry," Kara said. "You're right. I know it looks like I meant it as a trap, but I really didn't. I just," Kara said and closed her eyes on a sigh. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I get so defensive. With you."

"Supergirl always made it clear to me that she worked exclusively for and with the DEO, not with me. I appreciated her honesty."

Kara didn't say anything, just hung her head and breathed, her hands clasped in front of her, between her and Lena. She looked defeated and again Lena had to quash the urge to comfort her. The painkiller was hitting and she felt everything melt into something softer. Which made her react automatically by becoming rigid and defensive. Jack had once compared her to an anemone: soft, colorful, and fluid until it sensed a threat when it would clench into a defensive knot, a stone. 

Lena was struck by a sudden epiphany, the kind she usually had in the lab or when she's working on a particularly complex engineering problem. There was a moment when her therapist's voice from a recent session came back to Lena. A series of questions about Kara, or the person who betrayed her trust, and Lena's history of trauma and toxic relationships carefully threaded through multiple sessions over months. Lena followed the thread and realized it was like a brilliant chess maneuver. And Lena knew every chess maneuver, which was one of the reasons she didn't play much anymore. 

It felt similar to that way of knowing through the body before thought that came with high-level fencing. Lena _knew_ suddenly what her therapist had been setting up, the path she'd set for Lena, the pattern so enormous, yet perfectly executed that Lena had to nod in respect. And it took he an enormously long period in Lena-time to apply it like any good engineer to her current situation, to understand how she had gotten here and what she was doing. 

_Who are you punishing?_

The past months without Kara, without her entire circle of friends here in National City, Lena had been so sure she was simply protecting herself. She'd learned from Lillian and Lionel to retreat when she was injured, either physically or emotionally. It was self-defense. Retreat and regroup. But Kara and her friends couldn't do Lena any real harm anymore. She'd been punishing Kara as much as she'd been protecting herself, but she'd ended up punishing herself. For what? For caring, for letting herself trust someone enough to overlook the obvious. She'd been punishing herself for not seeing the lie, the con, for thinking she mattered to Kara, her friends, and even Supergirl, and she really didn't trust herself not to get conned again. But the only way to stop punishing herself was to stop punishing Kara. 

"I don't want to do this anymore," Lena said and closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the cushion. Her laptop vibrated with an incoming text, the rhythm of it telling her it was top-level L-Corp encryption and an emergency. She opened her eyes to find a series of notifications that one of her private labs had been hacked and broken into. "I should have let them think I died in the explosion," she muttered as she typed a series of responses and simultaneously opened up a secure line to begin dumping the log files and surveillance footage from her lab. She'd been working on a new qubit chip using her own twistronic engineered superconductor sheets that would allow her to create a quantum computer and she'd had a very successful series of tests just yesterday. Which was not the research she was expecting her bombers if they were CADMUS as she suspected, to target. CADMUS preferred weapons and new tech that could create better weapons. Maybe they'd targeted the wrong lab? Or maybe it was another group entirely. This smacked more of her competitors. But the bombing. Maybe it was a coincidence. But Lena didn't believe in coincidences. 

Her phone buzzed beside her and she looked down to see a text.

_Supergirl: You weren't answering me. Sorry. What don't you want to do anymore and what just happened?!_

Lena almost told her that her lab had been attacked then realized that anything she told Kara would immediately be communicated to the DEO and Lena really couldn't rule out the DEO. They were just as interested in acquiring her tech as CADMUS and any of her competitors. And breaking into a lab right after a nearly successful assassination attempt would be smart. 

"Internal L-Corp stuff. I still have a company to run," Lena said and kept typing in commands. She'd left a simple test running of a new angle of twist in the lab yesterday. It was a new chip and she'd run a very simple program running on it. She'd had to develop her own programming language to even begin to run it as a quantum computer. She really hadn't thought it would be successful, but the failure would tell her something and hopefully point to a new engineering tweak or possibly new programming methods. 

_Supergirl: Okay. But what do you not want to do? The friends thing? the talking thing?_

"We're no longer friends," Lena said without taking her eyes off the screen. Apparently, the trial had actually been successful. The chip had performed better than expected, had performed almost flawlessly. But the results it returned were...strange. 

_Supergirl: Should I leave?_

Yes! Lena wanted to scream, but didn't, too distracted by the strange results coming from her lab. She ran the surveillance video through several filters and put the results from her experiment in another file to think about later when her head was somewhat clear. 

She looked up to find Kara patiently waiting for her, her eyes soft, her body tense, one leg fidgeting in a very Kara Danvers way.

"What do you want from this? From me?" Lena asked on a long sigh. "I mean, we're never going to be friends again and if the DEO wants intel, they can submit a request. I've been cooperative."

As soon as she finished, Lena realized she'd again revealed too much. The fucking painkillers. But she was confused about the fact that Kara was still here when she could be almost anywhere else. She could certainly do more for National City and about whatever and whoever had bombed Lena's car if she wasn't sitting in Lena's apartment playing babysitter. Lena didn't like being confused. 

"I don't care about the DEO or intel or any of that," Kara said and looked away, her features clouding over in a way that was unfamiliar. Kara Danvers had always covered her pain with smiles and cheer while Supergirl was too invested in her heroic persona to ever look so conflicted. "I never did." 

"Yet you still work for the DEO," Lena said. "You still gave them info you'd gotten from me."

Kara winced and looked down, her features in shadow. "I thought...I thought they would believe me. That they would change their minds about you. It doesn't matter." Kara said with a hard shake of her head. There was a long silence. Lena watched the screen assuming Kara would say something else, but she didn't.

"What do you want, Kara?" Lena said again and Kara shut her eyes as if she was in pain. 

Another long silence and Lena began to assume that Kara just wasn't going to answer. She started pulling up her security feed when Kara finally moved, shaking her head slowly with a sad smile. 

"You won't believe me anyway," Kara said.

"That's a cop out," Lena said and Rafael texted her that Director Danvers was threatening to "take extreme action" if Lena didn't reveal the contents of the compromised labs and the whereabouts of Supergirl. Deja vu. 

When she glanced up, Kara was staring at her, eyes full of tears, jaw clenched as if in anger or something else. Lena closed her eyes against the swell of affection she felt at the sight of her former friend in pain. She swallowed against the physical pain and the floating feeling from the painkillers thinking that maybe she should finally go to sleep or try. Lena startled when she felt a soft touch on her knee. Kara's face now was all concern. 

"I'm fine," Lena said and Kara nodded although her expression didn't change, the crinkle between her eyebrows still there. 

"I want to answer your question, but I don't know how," Kara said and laughed before looking away from Lena out to the skyline of National City. "I thought...I'm still kind of a mess about you...I just know," Kara said and stopped, her face turning bright red as she seemed to study the skyline with fierce concentration. "I just, I wanted it to be me you were meeting for a date. Not Emma Chan." 

Her stomach rolled and that floaty feeling got even worse until she realized she'd probably misunderstood Kara's comment. Then she felt stupid and ashamed and slightly nauseated. For a moment she'd let herself believe that Kara wanted to date her, which was impossible. And wasn't something she wanted to want anyway. Her body betrayed her in the most adolescent way imaginable reacting as if she was a teenager with a crush. But she was used to ignoring her own needs and desires. 

Lena realized she'd closed her eyes and missed whatever Kara had said next. But when she looked at her screen, Rafael had texted her directly to tell her that Alex was at L-Corp with a team of well-armed agents demanding to see Lena and Supergirl. She thought about texting Rafael to let Director Danvers know Lena had Supergirl chained up in her evil kryptonite dungeon then realized the painkillers were making her really stupid. 

"Your sister is at L-Corp threatening my security team," Lena said and glanced up to find Kara looking surprised and upset, her mouth still open as if Lena had interrupted her mid-sentence. Kara closed her eyes before standing up abruptly, her fists clenched. 

"I'll be right back," Kara said then she was gone. 

Lena tried to remember the code for the surveillance cameras at L-Corp so she could watch , but couldn't seem to remember, which wasn't like her at all. The concussion. She closed her eyes for a moment to clear her throbbing head and when she finally managed to open them again and refocus, she was staring at the end of the printed text of whatever Kara had been saying before Lena interrupted her. Lena scrolled back through the transcription and felt her heart stop. She knew it was impossible, but that was what it felt like. 

Supergirl: "I don't know why I didn't see it or maybe I did and just didn't want to --I'm apparently really good at denial -- but there was only ever you. I woke up thinking about you every day and went to sleep thinking Lena Lena Lena along with your heartbeat." 

"I thought...I tried to let it go, let you go. Give you what you wanted, but it just got...more." Kara paused and with a terrible sad smile looked away. "I'll leave you alone again. After this. I just...I was a coward before, but you deserve to know that someone, um, loves you. With everything. I know you probably won't believe that but---" and that's when Lena had interrupted.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of the wonderful comments. They mean everything to me. I'm sorry I haven't responded, my social anxiety is off the chart.

Lena sat staring at the screen unable to process what she'd just read. What Kara --Supergirl-- had just said. Her first thought was that there was a translation error, but she couldn't find anything that indicated the words and intent behind them were anything but Kara's. She hated the hope that sprang up in her. Why did she always fall for this? Even if it was the truth, what difference did it really make? Lena was used to compartmentalizing her problems, her trauma. Another issue she was working on with her therapist, but this was probably not the time to be opening up those compartments.

In a sudden flash, she remembered her password for L-Corp's surveillance cameras and toggled through the various feeds to find Rafael in the lobby facing down Alex Danvers and several well-armed DEO agents. Supergirl appeared, arms crossed, standing next to Rafael, partially blocking Alex's access to him. With a few keystrokes, Lena hacked her speech-to-text translator into the feed and watched the text roll. 

Director Danvers: ... you haven't responded to any of our attempts to contact you, your comms are off and a Luthor is involved. Of course we suspected the worst. 

Supergirl: As you can see, I'm fine, Director Danvers. And Dr. Luthor, who barely survived a car bombing, is recuperating at her apartment under my protection. 

Director Danvers: I'm sure she has her own physician and clearly has her own security team. You have other responsibilities that take precedent. 

Supergirl: Unless there is some incident I'm unaware of, Lena Luthor's health and survival are my top priority. 

Director Danvers: That's not your call to make, Supergirl.

Supergirl: Let's be clear here. You're telling me to stop protecting Dr. Luthor?

Danvers: No. I'm not...that's not what I'm saying. Supergirl, this is not a conversation we should be having here.

Supergirl: Fine. We can have it tomorrow. I'm taking some personal time tonight. To take care of a friend. 

Danvers: Lena Luthor is not your friend. 

Supergirl: I didn't know the DEO got to determine who I call a friend. 

Lena watched the other agents and members of her own team giving each other uncomfortable looks and wondered how much of this was a performance for her benefit. If Kara wanted her to trust her again, arguing against the DEO and her own sister on Lena's behalf was a good strategy. But this was not what she wanted. She didn't want Kara fighting with Alex. She wanted the DEO and Supergirl completely out of her business literally and metaphorically. And she wanted to not feel so elated to see Kara defending her against Alex. It wasn't the first time Supergirl had fought for Lena in that lobby, but it was the first time Lena felt that Kara was fighting for Lena instead of against some common enemy. Which was a dangerous feeling to have. She wanted this to be over. She wanted that box, that carefully compartmentalized hope and fear sealed and buried underground forever.

Lena pulled up an encrypted text app and texted Supergirl: _I'm out of Pellegrino and can't reach the fridge. Help._

Supergirl pulled her phone out of some pocket, obscured by superspeed, and read Lena's text. Lena couldn't help her smile when Kara looked up and found the small, nearly invisible camera and smiled a tiny smile before putting the phone away. Alex looked furious and near tears and Kara when she faced her sister, looked nearly as distraught but determined, her back straightened almost painfully rigid.

Supergirl: I'm sorry, Director Danvers, but duty calls. We'll speak tomorrow. If there's an emergency, you know how to reach me. 

Director Danvers: Supergirl wait...

But Kara was already gone. Rafael was smiling as he and his team politely escorted the DEO agents out of the building. Lena sent him and the head of the security team a thank you for handling the situation without escalation then startled when Supergirl appeared in front of her with a familiar green bottle. 

"I'm sorry about Alex," Kara said with a look of pain and sadness. "I don't know....things have gotten, um, weird at the DEO. Since the new president. And probably before that. I don't know." 

Kara was staring at her hands and Lena wondered how much of this was for her benefit and how much was real. Had things changed so much in a few months? They had for Lena but that wasn't unexpected. Everything had changed so radically in her life every few months since her mother died and she'd ended up with the Luthors. There was always some new upheaval she had to adjust to just to survive, it seemed. And her drive to turn L-Corp into a force for good had created even more chaos in her life. She felt, at times, like she was surfing in some terrible storm. Or what she thought surfing would be like. Another thing she'd denied herself because it wasn't befitting a Luthor. Like fencing. She stared at her epées and sighed wondering when she'd get to fence again. When she'd get to feel again like her body and her mind were in sync again instead of sending conflicting, mixed signals. She looked to her sabers and thought suddenly that Alex would be fun to fence, which was a strange thing to be thinking about at the moment.

"She's just trying to protect you," Lena said because, at a very fundamental level, it was the truth. Alex had been disciplined in a similar way to Lena's fencing training, only Alex had been trained to protect her sister at all cost.

Kara looked at her and that familiar crease appeared between her eyes.

"I know that's why she started working for the DEO, but now it feels more like she's a hostage and I'm doing questionable things for the DEO to keep her safe. But she probably feels like I'm the hostage," Kara said with a pained smile and sat back. "Either way, I feel like I'm losing her." 

Lena thought about this and her own experience working in a world that did everything it could to exclude and disempower her. 

"It's easy to think, when you first start out, that if you can just survive long enough and do good work, you'll eventually be in a position of power to change things. But by the time you get there you've made so many compromises just to survive and your entire identity and life are now dependent on the same institution you want to dismantle, it feels impossible to do what you set out to do. And that position is never as powerful as you think it will be when you get there. I mean, I'm CEO of a billion-dollar multinational and my position is precarious. Even when I'm the majority stockholder, any change I want to make is an enormous struggle," Lena said and took a long drink of Pellegrino to shut herself up. Was she really defending the director of the DEO? Even if Alex was Kara's sister and one of Lena's former best friends, she and her black ops group had targeted Lena and L-Corp repeatedly. They were always attempting to hack L-Corp systems and labs. It was like a running joke with her IT security team. They even had memes for specific techniques and obvious code signatures. 

Kara looked somewhere over Lena's left shoulder as if she was looking at or through something behind her, but she sighed heavily and covered her face with her hands. 

"What you said. About alien concentration camps. Is that true?" Kara asked. 

Lena reached for the scotch glass and winced as her ribs screamed in objection. She took a sip to steady herself trying to decide how to proceed with this conversation. If she was honest with Kara, she'd be revealing that she had illegally obtained surveillance footage from one of these camps. And she wasn't sure she trusted Kara not to have her or someone on her team arrested for it, even accidentally. Or worse, since some of her IT team were alien, thrown into one of the same camps. It could be another trap.

But Kara was, Lena reminded herself, not just a superhero but an alien. And if the DEO continued down this path, empowered by a fascist administration, Kara could easily end up in one of these camps in kryptonite chains, a guinea pig for terrible experiments and procedures, for torture. No matter how angry and hurt Lena still felt, the thought of Kara in chains at the mercy of xenophobic fanatics made her sick with fear. 

"I...yes. I can get you proof if you need it. I just have to be careful about sources. I don't want anyone targeted for providing the information," Lena said and Kara nodded. 

"I..." Kara started and looked into Lena's eyes over the laptop. "I don't want anyone to get into trouble, but if you can get me something, maybe I could write something on it. I'd probably get fired, but--" Kara shrugged it off and Lena scoffed: as if Cat was going to fire her Pulitzer-winning Supergirl.

"Or make yourself even more of a target," Lena said and Kara frowned. 

"It would be worth it." Kara said, jaw clenched and looked away. This was the Kara Lena had loved so fiercely. The woman who did the right thing and fought for the powerless regardless of danger. Of course, Kara hadn't ever been in nearly as much danger as Lena feared then. Kara Danvers who Lena had protected and guarded with her own life, had always been virtually invulnerable. 

"I'll see what I can do," Lena said thinking about her own plans to shut down the camps and how Kara's article might work with her own strategy. It would be tricky, and she'd have to figure out how much to trust Kara. Kara who always saw things in black and white, good and evil instead of the infinite spectrum of grays Lena saw as reality. The camps were evil, but evil couldn't always be brought down by pure good. Evil cheated and played on the worst in people. And she didn't think Kara would appreciate Lena's long-game strategy to buy up the for-profit corporations with the camp contract in order to shut them down. Or to simply buy the Senators in charge of the black budget for the camps. 

Lena made an encrypted note for herself to send the photos to Kara and revisit her strategy because who knew what she'd remember from this conversation. And writing the note kept her from really thinking about or looking at Kara. Work had always been Lena's favorite method of deflection and avoidance and that hadn't changed despite therapy and fencing.

"Thank you. I'd appreciate anything you can give me," Kara said and smiled a little. There was a pause as Kara stared at her and Lena stared at the screen trying not to think about the layers of possible meaning. She automatically began to reframe it emotionally and compartmentalize it as more of her misreading Kara's niceties and lies as deeper truth. Then remembered her therapist's questions about how she compartmentalized and what was in those untouchable boxes and why. 

"Are we going to talk about what I said before I left?" Leave it to Kara to run into the disaster head-on. 

"I know it's hard for you to imagine, being virtually invulnerable and all, but I'm high on painkillers and still in serious pain after surviving a car bombing and I still have emails to write and a company to run," Lena said. "And I'm not having that conversation with you in that ridiculous suit."

Kara looked comically offended as she stared down at her suit. "But I thought you liked it better." 

"Better than the poorly engineered suit you used to wear does not make it good. This suit offers almost no protection from kryptonite, energy weapons, or even nanite swarms and only slightly better protection against projectile and heat damage. It's cosmetic, not functional." She thought about the suit prototypes she'd continued to work on in her spare time. The way she rationalized the work as banking on some emergency in which either Kara needed them and was desperate enough to trust a Luthor design, or the technology she invented would have some medical application for humans and/or aliens. But they were still supersuits designed specifically for and to protect one Kryptonian. 

"So you do care," Kara said with a huge smile and Lena nearly groaned. "And I'm guessing that's a no on talking about what I said? And what you said earlier?" Kara asked, but Lena didn't respond or even look away from the email she was typing to a particularly annoying board member who was demanding private medical information about Lena and her team. She sent a note to the board and her lawyers notifying them that any attempt to acquire that information via L-Corp HR or internal networks would result in immediate termination and possible criminal charges. Kara sighed and disappeared from the screen to return a minute later in sweats with a heaping plate of Thai food. Just as Kara sat down to her nauseating pile of food, another text.

 _Jess: Go to bed!  
_ _Jess: I'll take care of these assholes. You were nearly killed in a car bombing an hour ago. Go to sleep or I'll hack your systems and cut you off until tomorrow morning._

And she probably would and could. She'd been Lena's assistant long enough to know most of her secrets. Lena closed her eyes and muttered before texting back a terse, _Fine. I'm making you COO._

_Jess: Don't threaten me Luthor. Go. To. Sleep. If I see any more emails from you I'm telling Sam._

_I love you too, Jess._

_Jess: Now I know you're fucked up on painkillers. Plz for the love of whatever ur black Luthor heart loves GO TO SLEEP._

Lena chuckled and rolled her eyes fondly, but sent a few more texts to Jess and Sam before closing the app. She'd never stop if she didn't. When she looked up, Kara was staring at her, her plate already empty.

"You're laughing. Is it? I mean, your date? Because I can go...somewhere? The balcony or something. So you can have some privacy. Or whatever. If you want to talk...to her. Privately."

She smiled at Kara's rambling thinking of her earlier conversation with Sam and her threat to make Kara wait on the balcony. Until she realized that it might not be a coincidence and Kara could have actually listened in. Her smile faded. 

"It was a friend," Lena said realizing immediately this implied she and Emma were dating as Kara frowned then covered quickly with an awkward smile. "Believe it or not, I still have some of those even without you and the Superfriends."

Kara winced and looked down. "You know, we all miss you. Everyone. Even Alex."

"I'm sure you want to believe that Kara. I did too. But it's easier on everyone this way. Honestly, it was exhausting knowing that when anything went wrong, every one of my friends would suspect me first, would always assume the worst of me. I mean, I get it, I'm a Luthor. I'm used to it and I wouldn't trust me either. But I don't feel like profound mistrust is a healthy basis for friendship." 

Lena steeled herself for Kara's response, expecting an argument or at least a long-winded rationalization, wishing she could access the new cochlear comms she'd been developing that would have allowed her to hear at least partially. She knew she was missing out on so much nuance, but there was no way she was going to let Kara or even her security team have access to her private lab in order to retrieve them.

"I...you're right. You deserve better. I'm glad you have Sam and whoever texted. And fencing. I'm so glad you have people who look out for you. And make you smile. I'll just never stop wishing I was one of those people." 

Of course Kara had been one of those people. Had been the person Lena trusted most, which made everything hurt more. Her friendship with Kara had made everything else possible, until it made almost everything impossible. The most terrifying thing was that Lena could feel herself slipping into old patterns with Kara and worse, into that other, softer Lena she couldn't afford to be anymore. The Lena that got conned. That Lena was easy to manipulate and hurt. That Lena wanted this Lena to remember how warm and beautiful it felt -- she felt -- just to be around Kara. That Lena would certainly let Kara hurt her again. She knew this revelation was part of what her therapist had been working toward, but Lena wasn't sure what she was supposed to do with it. That was part of the problem with therapists. At least Coach prepared her for most potential situations and taught her how to deal with and resolve them. How to win. She could hear her therapist in her mind now (which was much better than the hypercritical, mocking Lillian voice that accompanied her every waking moment until very recently): _There are no winners or losers in human interactions and relationships, Lena._ But her therapist hadn't grown up with the Luthors. Or had a relationship with a lying, superpowered alien and her overprotective, sometimes paranoid support network. Lena's survival had depended on learning lessons quickly from the behavior of others and adjusting her relationships and emotional landscape accordingly. Unfortunately, Lena had learned trust from Kara only to reveal she'd been conned. All of her history as well as her rational mind told Lena that Kara's past behavior meant she would con Lena again. If Lena decided to trust Kara again, she would be operating entirely on faith and emotion, neither of which she'd never been able to rely on. 

Lena sighed. She knew they needed to talk about this, but her head and her ribs and just everything was making it so much more difficult. She couldn't trust herself around Kara at her best, she certainly didn't trust herself now. But maybe that was better. It took so much energy to not trust Kara, to keep her emotional distance, to protect herself. And she knew in some sense she was over-reacting even if she had needed the distance. She knew that she was responding to Kara in a way she'd been trained to react due to the Luthors' long-term abuse. Lena looked away from the screen and Kara, down at her hands in her lap, fingers twitching. The nervous habit she'd never managed to break.

"You hurt me terribly, Kara. And I hurt you. But the only way I know how to protect myself from experiencing that pain again is to go full Luthor. To be cruel and cold and always expect the worst from you and everyone. I don't want to be that person, but I'm not sure I can ever trust you enough to not be that with you and I 'm terrified of what that means. Of what I could become. If I even think you've betrayed me..." Lena said and winced, sighing in exhaustion. They both knew where that statement ended. If Lena even thought for a moment that Kara might betray her again, it would be catastrophic, and she wasn't sure she could take that risk with herself or Kara.

"You're not Lex," Kara said staring straight at Lena. "And I'm not Kal. I love you and I think you loved me, which is enough. And no matter what you think, I do trust you." Kara dragged a hand through her messy hair in a familiar gesture and Lena felt her heart betray her by speeding up at the sight. "And I know me saying it is never going to change your mind, so I'll just have to prove it to you by being here for you whenever you need me. If you need me. Even if it's just to bring you scones from your favorite bakery in Ireland or, you know, anything really. And if you think I've betrayed you or might, just ask me. I'll tell you the truth."

Several automatic responses flickered through Lena's consciousness, all of them cruel and cutting regarding Kara's trustworthiness, but Lena managed to keep them all from spilling out of her. She understood that it had been a reflex action to attack, which meant she was reacting to some other trauma. Yes, Kara had lied to her, but she hadn't hurt her directly. She hadn't damaged Lena or undermined her. Kara wasn't a Lillian or Lex or even Lionel. Lena closed her eyes to keep her thoughts from crowding her face, from giving her away. She could hear her therapist again, _If it helps, think of these reactions as the Luthors still controlling your actions, your thoughts. These behaviors were disciplined into you._ It was actually great motivation to stop. She thought about the positive disciplines of fencing, the way Coach tried to prepare her physically for every possible scenario, but fencing was not...everything. She needed different disciplines for her emotional life, which, she supposed, is what her therapist was for. Lena tried to take a deep cleansing breath then seized up in pain. Why couldn't she remember her ribs were broken? 

Feeling slight pressure on her knee, she opened her eyes to find Kara kneeling in front of her, face full of concern bordering on fear. But she'd known Kara was there before she opened her eyes. Her body had known. Lena looked down at the hand on her knee and realized she was crying. She felt incredible relief just from that simple touch, as if it had taken enormous terrible energy to maintain distance between them. Kara started to remove her hand and Lena automatically covered it with her own. Kara sat blinking at their hands for a moment before looking up at Lena, her eyes welling up with answering tears. Lena could read her lips enough to know that she was talking about getting Lena another painkiller, which would mean Kara would move away. She gripped Kara's hand harder and closed her eyes feeling the tears roll down her cheek.

"Don't go," she whispered knowing Kara would hear her. She couldn't hear Kara's response, but felt her hand turn under her own so that they were palm to palm before gently squeezing hers twice in confirmation of something. Lena sighed with relief.


End file.
